I am so upset, I think I could fall asleep and stay there forever. I called some people in Owatonna and got some more information, bad information. I don't even want to get into details because I lack the energy and things may change tomorrow. More or less, the positionS that they want to open don't exactly fit my strengths(ie 6th gr choir) and are not full time. I am upset because I feel like no one is fighting for me and there is nothing I can do to fight for myself. I got Sue and Paige filled in, and I know they are upset too and trying to change some things around. Maybe tomorrow I will hear some good news from them. Now, I just feel like I've pissed off a former principal by telling the other music teachers the information she told me(even though she didn't say not to and they would find out after it was posted anyways). I don't want to make people mad, but I DO NOT want to work in a .44 traveling position either, with no benefits and hardly enough money to survive(if enough). I'd have to work another job somehow, AND maybe I'd be better off subbing and living in EC. If they post things as planned, I could either apply for a .44 elem music position that travels, or a .80 position that is 6th grade gen music and choir, with ONE section of elementary music at McKinley. I just don't see why administration hasn't considered more options, and why they haven't worked with music staff to come up with the best solution. I am more depressed about this job stuff than I ever have been. I feel like I've been led on, fooled into thinking something would work out, like my performance and passion means nothing to some people, and like no matter how much I want something for the first time in my life I might not be able to do anything about it to make something happen. This is a stupid mad rant, but I just had to say something.
And while I am pissed commenting on here, Josh you can please stop writing on your fucking blog about our relationship. We are not together for FAR more reasons than you had a "bad year" and that I couldn't look past you going through a hard time. And NO I will not be meeting up with you before you go so you can stop texting me and my sisters about it. Had you never wrote anything about me on that damn blog I would never ever ever have been this pissed and resentful towards you. You put words in my mouth, throw out things that sound good to you that you cannot own up to, and make it sound like you have the world figured out. Well, guess what, you clearly don't. You can go write on your blog about how you feel bad for teachers, and even say good things about me and it makes me mad. Just forget writing about me. GEEEEZ, freedom of speech? Yeah, but you asked me not to write about you and I didn't. For months now, I have had to check and see what kind of "breakthrough" you had each day regarding relationships that you would put us in and share with the world. I am sick of you acting like this was all some mistake, or like you understand the world now and I should take you back. OR, you say how much you miss these stupid little things that clearly didn't mean that much, you are just clinging to them. I am sorry, of course I am so angry and emotional about life in general. I don't need to write any of this on here, but at the same time I need to say it somewhere. Josh, we are not compatible, nor will we ever be. We do not have the same interests or beliefs on most things. WHY did it take me 3 1/2 years? Because I WANTED it to work out, I fooled myself into thinking things were better than they were, you are a good guy, but not the right guy. I am sorry I can't go back in time and fix everything. I'M SORRY! But leave me alone now, and let me be myself and think about the future. You should do the same. It's good to reflect, but you also need to be realistic and honest with yourself too. I didn't enjoy you last year, besides the obsession(literally) with tuba and playing, you also were fake and a hypocrite. You acted like you cared so much about health and fitness but ate McDonalds all the time, yet scoffed at me if I made a bad choice. You go back and forth on the fitness thing more than anyone I know. Maybe if you just didn't think about it you would be happier. You acted like you were some high class prick who drank fancy beers and wine, when really you don't know anything about either. You gossiped about people and acted like you were innocent, or at least wanted to stop gossiping. It was like you talked about everyone else's weakness just so you felt better about yourself. I am not innocent of gossiping, but the part that gets me is you turning around and acting like you don't gossip about people. You were on your own schedule, and you certainly didn't care when you offended anyone, even if they were someone you "loved", whether it was me, friends, or family. You were too damn stubborn to admit when you were wrong, because you always yearned to be "right". You were damn right selfish all year, and how am I to know that you just snapped out of it? Truth is, even if I looked past this year and reminded myself that you were just going through a rough patch, all of these things still exist. You have always done these things, since before we dated. It just got gradually harder to block out, or to ignore. I had a big year last year too, where were you, why couldn't YOU look past what I was going through. You always had think things were harder for you, your job was harder, you cared more about your success than I did about mine. These issues were there from day one. Nothing will ever change this, or fix it. Move on. The day I made the decision to end our relationship I was upset because I didn't want to hurt you, I cared about you, and I wanted to stay friends. Today, I can't believe how mad and resentful I am towards you, and I am frustrated that I spent so many years of my life trying to help you see things in a different way. I know that I can't change anyone, and that's not what I mean. I mean that, I am frustrated that i wanted you to experience a kind of love that you could feel what it feels like to put someone's feelings before yours, to make sacrifices and feel fine with them because you know they are for the better, to understand a person's needs and to know when to just be there and not give advice, to accept someone the way they are, and show someone each and every day how much they mean to you. Clearly, I wasn't successful. But this is no one's fault, we just weren't meant to be. So, when you write all these things on your blog, it frustrates me because it just was not meant to be. There isn't something we can do. The things that you've realized that it takes to have a successful relationship we would never have because we are not right for each other. It should not be this hard, it should not feel forced. Sorry, bitch about me all you want. Screw you to any "friends" that think I am irrational or think I am being mean. YOU don't know what it's like. AND YOU should mind your own fricken business. I am sick of this. Grow up, move on, and good luck.
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Hmmm, if you really want to make this that public, I'll go ahead and write I response. I don't want to be with you now, that kind of ended like.....2 weeks ago? I have refrained from writing anything on my blog that is mean about you. I get my feelings out on the blog because I have no one to talk to here in Ladysmith about the complex issues. I am not trying to "reach out" and make you see the light. I don't want to get together with you before we go because I think it would be depressing. We didn't work because we didn't. There's nothing wrong with me trying to think of things for future relationships. I can't help how you feel about what I write. You don't have to care anymore. I love Mc Donalds', but I also love running...sometimes. At first I wanted to fix things because I was very heart broken and missed you deeply. I know we are very different people, but you don't really know me that well anymore. This kind of experience changes a person somehow whether or not you really believe it. What you think of me no longer matters to me because I think a lot of bad things about you, but I haven't really said them on here. I have hinted at ways WE didn't do well. If you go back through I never really said....LIZ DID THIS and LIZ DID THAT...maybe early on after our break up. I am not forcing you to read this and if our friends do read it I am sure they are all mature enough to know what's what. Let me write about teachers. Almost all of my friends are teachers and believe or not mam' I do want the best for you and everyone else. I am not being "fake" by putting that I am feeling bad for all you guys, because I am. Don't try to tell me the way I feel is fake, because it isn't. I'll try not to write about you anymore and I am sorry if it's been too much. This was a big deal for me and I am sorry. IF you want to move on, don't resent me or waste anymore of your time being angry. I am not, nor have I ever painted any sort of negative portrait of you on here. I write about things on MY blog that I am feelign and experiencing. You can no longer judge what I am thinking or feeling to be truthful or untruthful. I don't understand the world now, ha! I can write about something if I feel like it means something to me. I can't own up to all of it now, but maybe some day I will be able to. There's nothing wrong with writing about a feeling or thought you are having. Every day you sit there and read that and it's your choice. I am not infulencing ANYONE'S opinion of YOU. Maybe I am of ME because people are probably wishing I would stop trying about it, but it's my blog and I'll write if I want too. Nothing has been really personal it's all just been ME thinking about things. I don't want you to take me back for peets sake. It would just never work. It wasn't a mistake and it gets easier for me to accept that every day. I texted Becky about us possibly getting together because I didn't want to put you through the "termoil" of me calling you. Anyways, like I said I haven't been typing mean shit about you or trying to paint a picture of you as the devil. I don't think you are and I am sorry you are so frustrated by my writing. I guess I thought that since you didn't really care about what I was doing, you wouldn't read my blog. Honestly. I knew you read it from time to time, but I can't stop you from doing that.
ReplyDeleteOh and P.S. If you read my blog every day you would know that I already discussed my tastes in exercising and beer/wine. You basically just reiterated what I already said about myself.
ReplyDeleteOH AND when I asked you not to write about me, I didn't mean you couldn't write about your feelings about what happened. I have never specifically devoted almost an entire post discussing your personal flaws NOR have I EVER even hinted a sarcastic under cut like you have both times you've written about me. I haven't dug at you the way you've done here.
ReplyDeleteJosh, you do a LOT of insinuating in your blog and I've been thinking about never reading it again, because as much as you are my friend and I don't want to get in the middle of this-what you write makes my blood boil about 75% of the time. Writing about the relationship and your feelings is an indirect way of sharing your thoughts and feelings towards Liz regardless of if you want it to or not. The fact is, it's impossible for me to imagine that you are truthfully unaware of what you may be writing that might be offensive. I think you are conscious as you post of who is reading it (all 3 of us and our friends) and who it might irk or who you are trying to convince or reassure.
ReplyDeleteA lot of the "little things" that you remember about your relationship were actually memories with me and Becky, meaning you miss all of our friendship more than anything. So in a way I just want to throw out a big-you didn't miss LIZ deeply! That's dramatic, ladysmith-boredom, and resentment at the publicly embarrassing fact of going through a break-up post-engagement. If you cared about her that much you would have put your fucking tuba down for ONE day and beat her home from school to propose or had an infite list of things to tell her after her concerts. I bet this last year you spent more face to face time with your tuba than any real person. Face it-you are a great guy, but you love your TUBA more than her. Some day you'll meet someone who you love uncontrollably more than your tuba and only THEN will you feel happy about what's going on right now. Don't make it worse than it is by beating a dead horse. Your blog it SOOOOO boring. It's great when it's nonsense, as with most blogs. I'm sure mine sucks because all I talk about is my crappy job hunt, but your's is a bunch of "look at how it was both of our fault", tuba, and animals. Write what you will, but try to come up with something new!! I'd ask that you don't write about it anymore, but it's a free country. The more you write, the less I miss you. And I want to miss you.
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! What I write about is totally my business! I don't make money off of the thing and reading it is a choice. You have no idea what this summer has been like for me or how confusing this experience is. If you talk to ANY of our friends they will tell you that I will be the first person to tell you EVERYTHING I didn't do correctly. I am not, nor have I ever used the blog to be an asshole. As I figure things out for myself I write about them. Liz came to the conclusion a LONG TIME AGO that it was both of our faults and now I am and there is nothing wrong with that! I am a big enough person to realize and come to grips with what Liz has been telling me all along. Whether or not ANY of you actually believe I can change my wrongs for the better is of no concern to me any longer. I don't write my blog to entertain people. I've come to the realization that I either need to quit writing in it or make it souly about one topic, like most blogs. I can't stop any of you from reading and to be honest I don't know why you still do! You DON'T know what this is like and you should be happy about that because it sucks. When I am trying to "reassure" it's usually based on the fact that I have come to grips with the reason this happened. You, Liz, and Becky have your "reality" and the way you think things were. You can tell me over and over again that I didn't care that much or that I didn't love anyone and that's fine because you can think what you want. The truth is that we are different people that go about things in a different ways. There is no definition for what love is and what it entails. I get that you think I am selfish and love my tuba and the truth is yes, I love to play and yes, I was totally selfish and I feel REALLY BAD ABOUT IT. However, if you ask me how I feel about tuba and life priorities AFTER all of this crap I would tell you I think of it a LOT differently. Again, whether or not you choose to believe that is not my concern. It's ABSOLUTELY ridiculous that I even have to have this conversation via BLOGGER for peets sake. How lame. I am totally not embarrassed about the engagement ending! Of course I was at first, but a failure isn't a failure if in the long run we will both be better off. I am not THAT bored in Ladysmith. I've had family and friends around to support me and have been getting to travel around and be with other friends. How can you and other people say. "It's noone's fault" and "It takes two people" and then insult me for saying it was both of our faults? The truth is that I felt so guilty for so long and rightfully so, but as I think through things and actually start to believe the reasoning behind it I do think it was both of our faults! Don't tell me crap like that and then get mad at me for finally realizing it. If a conversation would have taken place that allowed all of this to be said maybe a blog wouldn't have been an outlet. Instead I got "I can't do this anymore, but I want to be your friend" and nothing else and no interest in talking about anything related to it. Can you imagine how frustrating that's been? AND I am not supposed to try to say anything I am feeling to Liz? In case you forgot, we were together for 3 years and going cold turkey on someone no matter how hard it has been is not EASY. She was at the "this is wrong and not worth my time" stage WAY before I was and I am NOT insulting her for that. What you guys don't understand is that I don't really believe that anything I've put on my blog is false and I've tried really hard to leave our personal details about a lot of stuff because I don't want to go there because it's our business, but I also feel bad for what happened and it's important to me that people know that I am learning from this experience, not because I am embarrassed, but because I feel bad that this happened... PERIOD. I don't like making Liz feel a certain way and that's why I am not writing about it anymore.
ReplyDeleteYesterday was ridiculous and if someone would have just called me instead of letting anger fester and boil, this all wouldn't be out in the open like it is now. What's embarrassing is this whole thread. I am not going to write a whole blog about Liz and her personality flaws. I have and continue to learn a lot about myself from this experience and I can't help it if you don't buy it! Nothing I can say will change that and to be honest I don't care. OF COURSE I miss You and Becky. We were good friends on top of it we were potential family. When I say I "miss Liz" and "feel terrible" it's TRUE. Like I said, non of you, not even Liz know what this has been like for me because you all honestly believe that I never cared. If you believe that then we probably aren't friends anymore and I am sorry about that. "Actions speak louder than words" has been said often, but when your actions are controlled by a set of less than ideal principals the actions may not reflect the heart of a person. This experience has set into motion some small changes and some big changes I WANT to make in myself. Of course they are not a reality yet, but if I pursue them in light of what's happened. I look at it as a gain. An experience like this does tend to set priorities straight in many ways. I am really sorry I didn't even begin or honestly give a crap about any of the priorities I should have had until this happened. IT SUCKS, but that doesn't mean I am going to live the rest of my life wishing I could go back and be the person Liz knew I could be, but wasn't. Instead I am TRYING to be that person NOW. Not to piss Liz off, but to make a better life. It sucks that it didn't work between us, but obviously it wasn't meant to be because I didn't understand anything she was telling me until she was gone. Get that? I am sorry for what I've done on my end and hope that someday this will "blow over". I am not going to write in my blog about any of that anymore and I swear it was not my intentions for this cluster fuck to ensue. I DO want the best for all of my friends that are teachers and don't get pissed off when I write about that. No matter how mad any of you are, I still want you to be able to fulfill your dreams and put to work what you have spent the past 5 years of your life learning. I can't explain myself on these issues any more. I can't let another day pass trying to convince you of anything. This is over and I am SORRY for pissing you off.
ReplyDeleteI just want you to stop trying to convince us. What I do understand I understand and what I don't, I don't. I don't think you were trying to be mean on there at all I was trying to help you see that either way, your entries made it easy for readers to see what you really wanted to do. I'm aware of the fact that noone can know exactly how you feel and I apologize for accusing you of not caring. I just want you to be completely honest with your priorities and I know you have made that a goal in urgent progress. I believe you won't write about it anymore and I am equally embarrassed to do all of this over blogger, but I don't have the energy to do it elsewhere and thought it would all "blow over" before I "blew up". I've been trying to ignore a lot of the situation (how bad it sucks, etc. I don't want to have to comfort Liz or listen as she vents-I will because she's my sister, but I also don't want to hear that you've texted Becky 1000 times) because I have a lot on my plate, too (see-also selfish myself!). Something must have snapped in Liz and I over the last week. Have a GREAT time in Florida. I don't believe you're not bored in Ladysmith because I know you!! You want to be where the action is! It's not in EC btw. EC sucks this summer. Visiting friends and having something to do doesn't necessarily get rid of boredom. I'm rambling because I just got home from work, but just know I want to remain friends, but I still have some anger and resentment myself (just like you probably do towards me in some ways! Remember when I screamed at you at the house back in the day?? It was for the same reasons as this break-up! so I get frustrated, too). So in the future when you're a loaded pro, we'll go get cheese dip until we puke and chase it with premium.
ReplyDelete1.) "Convince" was a bad choice of words...More like I am telling you what I think and believe.
ReplyDelete2.) Yes, I am bored in Ladysmith to the same degree that everyone that lives here is bored because 3,000 people live here and Pamida is closing.
3.) This doesn't really need to be you or Becky's business. I texted Becky like 6 or 7 times and they were mostly because she said she would call at 8.. and then for some reason kept working. It was mostly confusion on my part. When she said she couldn't talk... it stopped so stop trying to make it seem like I was harassing her. When you say in public "1,000" times it gives people the impression that it was of course less than 1,000, but probably more that 25.
4.) I know you are all sisters/best friends and in some ways that makes this situation worse. The fact of the matter is that I SHOULD be able to talk to Liz about stuff and SHOULDN'T have to go through Becky just so we can discuss things. All of the blogging came about because of that (not being able to talk to her). I get the impression (and it is only and impression because I literally have no clue and nothing to base anything off of) Liz's idea of moving on is pretending it didn't happen, but NEWS FLASH there are pictures of us together and a fairly curious expensive item sitting in the cabinet to my left that say otherwise. We all have our own way of dealing, but three years together and then....nothing? If there's anything I am still bitter about IT'S THAT. Accepting it's over is no longer a problem. Accepting that I/We didn't work is no longer a problem. I am of the camp that thinks if you don't deal with something it will come back and bite you in some other aspect of life, so I hope she has found her way and that it has been affective. I didn't expect her to talk to me about US all the time, but I do care about her as a person and being together for 3 years magnifies caring about her even more. This really is useless because nothing is going to change (as far as communication is concerned) and discussing this on blogger is exhausting.
5.) I want to be friends with You as well. On my bio for NW in the other interests catagory I am going to put: "El Patio Eau Claire, WI. I hope to see you at Christmas time at the Joynt. We can have a cigarette and cheap beer and you can have your native american medicine satchel.
6.) Seriously, good luck with the continuing job search. I think it's been long enough and now you should get a job. I'll keep my fingers crossed.