more info?

I guess here is a more updated version of what happened. More detailed, yet not enough answers. I want to know exactly how they are doing and what this healing process looks like for them. Shot in the back of the head and the other the face?! Get out. I still can't believe it.

http://host.madison.com/wsj/news/local/crime_and_courts/article_c3c9439d-f1c8-5ea9-a5ca-ef765579ff55.html

http://www.wkowtv.com/global/story.asp?s=11591147

Sad doesn't even begin to say it.

Here I sit at 1am on a Sunday night sitting wide awake. I just cannot sleep, cannot stop thinking about my kids from school.

I got an email this evening informing me, along with the rest of our school, that two of my students and their parents were in a domestic dispute and were all shot on Saturday. Apparently, they are all in stable condition. I just want to know what that even means. I want to know more! I want answers! In reading the news, I see that they think one of the victims was the shooter, meaning these kids, or more likely one of their parents. What the hell?! I am angry, and just more sad than I can say that these kids have to deal with this crap. I mean, ALL of the kids in my school too, not just these two. It is no wonder that these kids come to school with a negative attitude, and fight with one another. It's what they know, and what they see every single day. I can't believe that two of MY students where I teach were shot...WITH A GUN! I think I have been sad since reading the email, talked to Dad and Theresa, cried, and now I am just pissed and in an angry stage. These kids are innocent, and they do not deserve this. One of them is in 3rd grade and the other in 1st grade. Can you just imagine??? It breaks my heart to think of what they must have heard and saw, their whole lives and then now during all of this. I can't wait to find out more information, to try to make SOME sense out of it maybe. I just really want to know how they are all doing. I just can't imagine how it would feel to lose a student, and to something so horrible as this. Thank God they are surviving. I have no idea what tomorrow will be like. I know that we have specific instructions on how to deal with something like this. I just don't want to break down and cry in front of the kids, but at the same time I know that I have the strength and it would be my nature to do what I need to do to help the kids feel better. It's strange because in all of the classes they will be having a discussion in the morning, and I just feel like as the music teacher, what can I do? If they are already discussing it, do I even bother in music? The thing is, I want them all to know that I am there for them. I want them to share with me their stories and feelings. I just want to help. Right now, I feel helpless. I hate that feeling. I just can't describe the feeling of getting an email that starts out saying that they was a domestic dispute and two of our students were shot. It's like my eyes welled up with tears before I could even read on to see if they were okay! It's like the ultimate panic. I just don't want to feel it again, but I know it could happen again and be worse. Just wish I knew what to do for them. I just hate that there has to be this kind of thing happening to families and children out there. This happened very close to my school and to our apartment. I mean, it's our general neighborhood, the Westside ghetto. I know that I feel safe in the building we live in, but it also makes you wonder. I don't even want to be blocks away from this kind of thing. I would never want my kids to grow up in this kind of neighborhood. How is Falk ever going to turn their school's attitude around, and get kids making great choices and making their lives better? How can we do the seemingly impossible? Even if I can give one kid hope here, I can feel better. But I wish we could do it all. As if I didn't have mixed feelings about Madison and Falk school, now it's even worse. I just want to be there for kids that need someone supportive, who believes in them, but I don't want to be in this negative environment all of the time either. It just brings me down, and then I am not the best I can be for them anyways. I just don't know what to think of it all. Just keep this family in your prayers. I hope the kids heal physically and emotionally. We all just have to take this one day at a time.

Short week!

Ooooooo...so full. I made burgers tonight on the stove. Never tried that before, and I did alright! We also enjoyed baked beans, chips, and Koolaid. It was a regular Soules family summer meal.

I am so happy that this week is a short week. I feel so much less stressed about it for some reason, even though my 4/5 classes before the concert are limited(yikes). Tomorrow is a easy day, and I have lots of prep so I don't have to feel like I need it all done tonight. It is just so awesome to be sitting here doing lesson plans, etc. with Theresa. She is really taking this on full force, and I am proud of her for that. I want to help her so much, but I hope she also knows that she can do, literally, whatever she wants. There is so much freedom in elementary music, let alone her situation. This whole experience is great for me, to talk through things, and share what I know, but also to have her be emerced in what I do every day, and we'll have a better understanding of that for the rest of our lives now. In many ways her school seems slightly better than mine. I mean, she has ONE combined grade level class and I have twelve of twenty. Everyone seems much more welcoming and friendly too. She has another music teacher to talk to there, which can be good and bad, and lucky for her it seems good so far. They get along, and this teacher matches our philosophy more than anyone else we've met here. Theresa needs to decorate her room and make it her own now, so we are trying to figure out how we can get stuff on walls when she doesn't have any posters. She's working on making one right now. :)

Friday night we hung out with Mark Lundin. His place is pretty sweet, lots of plants! It felt like we were in the jungle, or like we were in Where the Wild Things Are. (yes, your assumption at this point is correct). Then we went to a bar that he said was like The Joynt, and it really was, but it was so busy that we couldn't find a place to sit or stand. It was fun to see Mark, he is a really fun guy and we've always gotten along easily. Yesterday Theresa and I slept in sooooo late after that. I have not slept that late in years, no kidding. So, we felt like we couldn't go to bed at a regular time and went to the bowling alley bar. We just sat and split a pitcher while chatting and listening to people butcher songs on kareoke. It's nice to get out, even if it's just the two of us. I really want to go back there, and this other bar we were going to go to but they had a $6 cover when people come to visit. Errin wants to have a Wicked party with cheap vodka in January. Ha, we'll see if it happens. Well, we ARE getting together in January, but we'll see what it actually turns out to be like.

Today I went to one of my student's piano recital. It was so cute! She was by far the best one there in her age group. I was so impressed! AND she arranged the pieces she played "herself". I mean, I know that could mean anything, but it is still cool. Her little brother is a kindergartener, and he freeeeaked out when he saw me. Actually he is the boy I mentioned in a earlier post that said I don't have a mother and loves getting falcon feathers. Their parents were ecstatic that I came and kept thanking me. I guess the girl told them I might be coming, and they made brownie cupcakes for the reception afterwards and made one for me with a music note thing sticking out in case I actually showed up. I bet that they didn't believe her when she said I was coming. BUT I DID! It made me feel really good to support her and see what she is doing outside of my class. It is hard to give the well behaved and gifted students the attention that they deserve when you have to deal with all of the other crap all of the time. I just wanted her to know I care, and think it's cool that she is liking piano lessons.

I think I am going to put my laundry away, and the dishes, and then do some school stuff until bed. I CAN'T WAIT to go home Wednesday night for Thanksgiving. I am just going to veg out, watch TV, and sit on the couch all day talking to Mom. Can't wait to see Laura and Morgan and everyone! I just might do some black friday shopping as well. Toodleloooooo!

It's a bird, it's a plane....

I wish you could see better, but here we are....Falk's SUPER SPECIALS!!!!

Art teacher(Sheila) Librarian(Kim) Me and PE(Jim)

BUCKY!

This afternoon Bucky Badger came to Falk, THE REAL ONE. Ha, like he's real. The kids were going crazy for him. Because of the poverty level at my school many kids never get the chance to see a UW game or Bucky in general so they love it that he comes to them. They had about 12 band members there too, and they put on a fun little show. This all happened at our Courage Assembly so yes, I was dressed up as the music super hero yet again. I love doing that. Anyway, we were waiting to run in for our thingy and the UW band was just getting there and they ALL almost walked into the wall because they were looking at our outfits and wondering why I had a euphonium(and a pretty one if I must say so). It was pretty funny. I play the charge thing when we announce which class won the specials award and for the second time now, I nailed it! lol, yes I am lame. I had fun dancing with the kids while the band played, doing the chicken dance! So cute.

Tonight we are going to keep it low key I think. I just ate dinner and just feel like napping for 4 hours. Tomorrow we have to be up fairly early to go work the badger came with the McCormicks. Hopefully it goes by fast.

Wednesday we went to Trivia again and it was pretty fun. More people from work came out, and even drank this time. It was good to talk to some more staff and have them ask what I think, and to be honest with them about everything and feel understood. The people there maybe didn't feel the same way as me, or see things a certain way until I said it, but were nice and supportive. I def think I feel better lately because more people are finally talking to me, why did it take a quarter of the school year?! Theresa and I got a little tipsy again, her more than me because I talked so much and then we got Little Caesars on the way home. It. Was. Amazing.

Last night Theresa and I decided(Idid) to get dinner at Loredo's. Yep, we're healthy eaters. Nah, really I just have been wanting to go for weeeeeeeeeks now. It's like Madison's El Patio. We just felt like getting out, talking and having a margarita. Then we came home and decided to not waste the margarita an ddrink some more, which just made us really tired and made it hard to get up this morning. I just think it's funny that we drank just the two of us, on a school night, after conferences.

Speaking of conferences, mine were barely existent and I had 3 parents come see me. One mom and dad came to see me because their 1st graders is really shy and wanted to see how he was doing/tell me he is playing piano and doing well. Another mom talked to me because her son talks a lot and I think his regular teacher told her I have to give him a warning on his chart almost every day. Luckily, I was able to honestly say he has been doing much better, especially since getting new seating charts. She was way friendly too. The other mom who came in was the one who talked to me weeks ago about musicals and concerts. They have three girls and their dad is a music producer so they are all into it. She said her girls want to sing Party in the USA at the winter concert. Ha, doesn't bother me, if they are serious about putting something together! We also talked briefly about Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, and Celine Dion. Heh. Overall, the day was what I expected. It was more like a work day. I wish mor eparents would come talk to me, like of the problem kids. Honestly though, those are parents that won't do anything, and clearly don't know what they are doing as parents in the first place.

Next week I am being observed by my lesbian principal(really, found that out at Trivia last week). I am not nervous at all, but I do want her to be impressed. It would just be awesome to kick ass in the class she is watching and have her be like "OH, I should try to keep her here, maybe pay some attention to her." A couple of SEA's have said really nice things to me lately about how great I am, and how different I am but that the kids love it and are learning so much more. Um, yeah going through the textbook will only get you so far. For example, one SEA was a little drunk and was like, "I mean I don't know all of the so, mi, and dos, but they are having fun!"(while doing the hand signs) I am like DUH you are learning and know it because you just showed it to me, and you don't even know it. HAHA!

So excited for my concert in December. I love this one song I decided to do yesterday. It's a late start but it is the most beautiful song for kids, and if we can pull it off you can be sure that I will cry. Something about little kid voices singing so sweetly on pitch and some pretty melody makes me emotional. Can't wait to see what happens. It has two parts so hopefully we can pull off the harmony. Time will tell...

Gonna go see if Theresa wants to go get a movie now. Have a great weekend everyone!

WOW!

Um, yeah...totally us when we're old ladies.

inner thoughts of a music teacher

Alright, well today was interesting...

I had my first visitation day for school, which basically means that the arts coordinator set up a half day where I spend time watching another music teacher in the district. I observed a teacher who taught at my school 3 years ago for one year. Apparently she didn't care for Falk and I was looking forward to meeting her, thinking that we might line up more as far as teaching philosophy. Well...I would say that it was nice to talk to someone who understands Falk. We talked about how the atmosphere is more negative there. It was nice to sort out how I feel with her that way. I like my students, feel like I've developed a good relationship with them, but it is hard to teach at Falk because the general staff there allows disrespect to happen. No one expects students to take responsibility for their actions, and own their behavior. "You have to understand where they are coming from and what their home life is like" - This is what I hear a lot. I don't see how I can settle for less than appropriate behavior, and have high expectations as far as this goes. I love my students, want to advocate for them, and also want them to know that they should be more respectful and responsible so that they can feel success. I heard a student saying something to an after school staff person along the lines of, "well, my parents will whoop me if I disrespect them, but you can't because you're a teacher!" Why is this okay? I just think that we should provide a positive environment, where they are intrinsically motivated to make good choices. The consequences for poor behavior at Falk are pathetic and have no impact. Someone, principal especially, needs to re-evaluate what is going on here. It makes it harder for a teacher, that is trying to do the right thing, to be consistent and effective. I can send a kid out to the recovery room, but I WANT to deal with conflicts/poor behavior on my own because I don't agree with the way things are done in the recovery room all of the time. It's like a kid throws a fit, waits it out, calms down, writes me a quick and meaningless sorry letter, and everyone moves on. What does that really show the kids??

And to go off on what else is on my mind... I was VERY disappointed to meet this teacher today only to find out that she pretty much only teaches stuff from K-8 magazine and MusicExpress. Now, I love both magazines and have gotten a lot of fun songs out of them, mostly for holidays and filler stuff. She is getting ready for a concert, and so I was thinking that was why it seemed like all they did was listen and sing along with a CD while doing some actions. Yes, the kids were engaged and having fun, BUT they weren't really learning anything. I think a lot of music teachers think that as long as they are engaged and loving music and singing that is enough. I don't think they realize the wealth of educational and historic songs that can teach elements of music, as well as be fun for kids. I learned this to the tenth degree last year being in a district that taught mostly using the Kodaly method because it is based on folk songs. Ok, when in theory I thought it was ridiculous that Dr. Cunningham thought we would know all of these old folk songs, and now I realize the value in those songs. I like how they have a historical purpose(ie. work songs), age appropriate melodies, and you can extend them with games. I don't use only older folk songs though. I also like finding new songs, about things in our current students lives, that are still fun but have that educational value. This music teacher today was saying that she hopes she teaches them "perhaps something about music and notes, but just to create music lovers and consumers is the goal". I think you can DO BOTH easily! Well, I shouldn't say easily, but if you do the work it is much more rewarding and effective. It is also not that hard to branch out to find more educational materials. I just think of my elementary music experience, straight out of the text book, and I don't really remember anything we did. I remember a small handful of songs, and absolutely nothing about reading music, and I wouldn't say it made me some kind of music lover. I also attribute that kind of half-ass early music education that I had to the fact that I was a timid and uncomfortable singer for many years, probably up until I student taught and had to do it all the time. I saw great music education happening every single day last year and it is disappointing to be away from it. I hate that it seems like all of the music teachers in Madison are like this too. We have two kinds, textbook teachers, and magazine teachers. The only good thing I can really see about these "styles" is that there is a large opportunity to use culturally appropriate songs and history. I would just rather push myself to find ways to do that with the way I am already doing things. I compare all of this to a middle/high school band teacher who only does pop songs or just runs music/teaches by rote. You could also compare it to a driven musician being placed in a ensemble that doesn't have as high of expectations or level of musicianship and doesn't care to improve. Frustrating...

Her classroom management was not impressive. Yes, the kids liked her and weren't killing each other. They were, however, walking around like they owned the place and interrupting her left and right. All I was thinking was "Julie put me with YOU?" Each teacher has their own style of classroom management though, and some are more comfortable this type of atmosphere. I just think you can have tons of fun, connect with students, while keeping things efficient and productive. I should not have to let kids go off on other topics just so they get a chance to share. If it applies and it is a quick story, by all means then share, but we don't need to waste 5 minutes flipping a flip form over to see what is underneath "just to get our curiosity out of the way". No, they don't need to see, move on and get them interested in what you are doing. Duh. This teacher said, "ready?" like a million times a class, and I thought of when Dr. Heidel pointed out that I kept doing that. I realized how annoying it is, and I am glad that I stopped doing it. I am very careful with my language in general and how I articulate directions, etc. and I am thankful that I have come so far in that area in the last couple of years.

Is it bad that I think I am a better music teacher than a lot of the ones in my district, as a second year teacher??? I feel like a student teacher could learn a lot from me already. I can't wait to have one some day. Now, I TOTALLY am not saying that I have everything down, and that my way is the best. I just think that because of my passion for being a great music teacher I work really hard to do a good job. My lesson plans are very thorough and efficient, and they cover ALL elements of music. I like the variety in my plans and think I understand kids interests and abilities so this helps me. I just miss being around other good teachers daily. I am very reflective and always am looking for new materials and ideas, and I just feel like many teachers take the easy way out. Where can I find other teachers that love learning how to make themselves and their students be the best they can be? Can't wait to see what happens next year.

Oh man, that was a long rant, but I knew it would be driving away from that school today.

This weekend was Erin's Bridal Shower and Bachelorette Party. The shower was boring and the party started that way, but later turned out to be an awesome night. It's like, drink drink drink not drunk yet, OOPS WASTED! I am a little embarrassed that Mom and Dad saw me drunk, although Dad was drunk soooo...awesome. I have never seen him drunk, it was awesome. Erin's friends are all young and skinny(lightweights), so not that fun for us. We didn't see many people from high school out so that was also a relief. Pat had fun with the guys, and he was also funny drunk at the end of the night. At the bacc party we all had to take a blank outline of a guy and draw our dream guy on it, and it was funny. MOM'S!!! EW, she drew a hairy guy and we were like, "DAD?" and she was like, "No, it's for Erin I thought!" Whatever, weird. Theresa's was too realistic it was creepy, mine sucked, and Shannon copied the penis on mine which was funny. Basically she had a anime guy with a big dick. Christa's guy had a funny shaped penis that looked like a barbell and Christines had a red pen so she made a guy with a red afro and huge pubes, gross. One of the ladies there drew a guy in some kind of S&M clothes which was awkward. We also played a relay game where you had to try to get a roll of toilet paper that was in between your legs onto someone else's broomstick, also between their legs. Guess you'd have to be there. Stout Ale House service sucked yet again. I think that I am going to write them a letter to complain. We had a large group so gratuity was included, but service was horrible. They forgot things, messed up orders, and one girl had a raw, pink burger. They told another girl she couldn't order a grasshopper because they were busy. Wtf? It was a Saturday night, and the capacity in that place is like 800. There could not have been more than 200 there. She was a bitch too. My nachos sucked. Anyways, it was a fun weekend. It went by way too fast and when we left home Saturday after going out, I started crying hugging Mom. Ha, I was drunk too so that didn't help.

This is a short week. We have conferences on Thursday so no classes. It should be an easy day for me. I just have to get through tomorrow, day of whatever I want, and then Friday. On Friday Bucky Badger is coming with some cheerleaders and a small group of Badger Band people. It should be fun, but I am just annoyed that all these teachers expect me to teach about the badger band. Excuse, but what is there to teach. I'll spend 10 minutes on it, but not weeks. Give me a break. I have so many other things to focus on, like a concert.

I am feeling better, as far as health, this week. I still have gunk up in hur. At times I will have an annoying and suffocating coughing fit, and feel a little stuffed up in the morning, but I am fine most of the time. That's a relief. Now, we just need to start working out way more often. We have slacked hard core, and the scale is starting to show it. geh, I like working out when I am there, and it always feels great afterwords, but dragging myself there is the problem. We only have a month until Pat and Erin's wedding so hopefully we can still make some progress. I tried my dress on this weekend and it fits really well, but it'd be nice to lose just a little bit, and go tanning too.

Ok, long post. If you made it to the end, good for you! You are a true friend, ha. Oh I like how last time the only comments I got were from Becky and Theresa. Cmon people, leave me a laugh!

Have a great night!

McDonalds :/

Theresa and I just had McDonalds for dinner and not only do I feel guilty, I feel crappy, gassy, and greasy. Eh, oh well.

Today I didn't go to school. I just felt like ass last night. This whole week was rough actually. Monday afternoon my throat hurt pretty bad and the old music teacher was subbing at Falk so I asked her to do my Tuesday afternoon. She did, and after napping and getting a good night's rest I felt like I could get through Wednesday. We had professional development in the morning and I didn't want to miss it. Theresa subbed for me that morning while I was in the meeting and then I got back to my room and did two kindergarten classes, realizing I actually didn't feel fine anymore. It is so freakin hot in my room and dry, so I think that makes everything worse. So, I went and talked to Ann who was there again and she said she'd prefer not to sub today for me. That was fine and Jeff(a 38 year old SEA who goes out every night) was trying to get us to go out to this bar after school for trivia night. After lunch I tried teaching my first of four straight 2/3 classes and realized I had no energy and had a huge headache. We watched movies and I just sat there. I thought going out afterward might get rid of my headache. We met up with Jeff and his other alcoholic friends, and it was alright. There was an awkward situation with this Asian friend of his...We are glad we went out, to break the ice and stuff. But we basically got way too tipsy and realized it was working on our headaches and left around 7:30. It was one of the worst headaches I have had, I felt really nauseous and could NOT think. So I tried calling in to the sub thing because I couldn't plan for myself, or for a music sub if I wanted to. The thing was being stupid and I ended up having to call my secretary at home. Anyways, she set it up, I had some random sub today who just watched movies I guess. I woke up feeling much better, but I still feel tired and exhausted. I wouldn't be surprised if I had mono or something. It's like when I am sitting I feel fine and it makes me feel guilty for not going to school, and at the same time both times I tried to teach my classes as a regularly do I was way way way exhausted. Anyways, I just hope I can make it through tomorrow which the mindset that it is Friday. Mary Neff is observing my kindergarten classes tomorrow because she has to observe children that are different from her, aka black. I also have a meeting with my principal in the afternoon regarding the 4/5 concert in December. I planned all the music for the concert, and have worked out a ton of details. Hopefully when we meet I can smooth out the rest, and just work on getting the kids ready from here on out. I feel like this concert is a huge opportunity to "prove" myself, for lack of a better word, to the other teachers and parents. I know many kids like me, but 4/5's have been my hardest classes this year. They are bigger, way behind, and have challenging personalities. Apparently there is a big problem with student/parent turn out at concerts so I am having an after school pizza party and movies to keep kids there. I really hope it helps.

Anyways, Theresa and I watched Lion King the other night. What a great movie. Oh man. I think we need to watch Pocahontas next. OH, Community is on, I like that show a lot.

This weekend we are going to Menomonie for Erin's(future SIL) Bridal Shower and Bachelorette Party. It's a Christmas theme, kind of lame but hopefully it will be a good time. I am just looking forward to spending some time at home, hopefully with Mom and Dad. We'll probably leave around 4 tomorrow, stop at Ho Chunk as we have made a tradition out of playing a few dollars on the penny slots, and then go to EC for the night. Saturday is home, and Sunday hopefully. I also hope I can see Morgan again, she's getting so big!

Next week is pretty random too. I have a visitation day with another music teacher in the district, who also spent one year at Falk(and didn't like it....hmmmm). That will be nice to get another perspective on this district and elementary music in general. Wednesday is a new music teacher meeting at the district office. I have no clue what that will be like, but maybe I will get to know the other new teachers better. Thursday we don't have school for conferences. Hopefully no big momma comes to yell at me for anything. I have to think of something interesting for conferences so I actually get parents down to the music room. Suggestions??? Ugh, today my report card write up was due to the secretary and I forgot since I was gone, but I am sure she understands. We don't do specials grade for 1st quarter, which is dumb in a way, so I just have to write up what we have done per grade. I hate that I don't know what it should include or look like. I don't want to over do it and have everyone think I am a loser, but I don't want to be so vague that parents think we haven't done anything.

Alright, well I guess I'll stop the blog now. Just writing pointless thoughts anyways.

Leave me a funny comment, a good laugh would be much appreciated, like "Has this screen always been like a bite outta crime?" or whatever becky said about their window.

November already!

Well, lots to update? I guess so anyways...

Convention was alright, not really worth all the money but thankfully we live in town so that helps. I am glad I experienced it finally too. I got a few really great ideas for school. I really liked watching the guy who taught the sessions on Middle Eastern and African American music. I mean, it always seems like it is harder for me to catch on to learning songs in a different language and everyone else seems to get it after one run through. I always felt that way after Orff and Kodaly workshops last year too. He was really good though, and I am always in awe of good teachers, and just picture what their classes must be like. I think my favorite session was the one on improvisation in the elementary music class. I guess it is one of those things I had the least experience with, as far as the elements go. I also liked realizing that some of the things I already do, with vocal exploration for example, really are a form of improvisation. With kids it is all about basic stuff, so it's not like improvising with a jazz band. They can just make up a 4 beat response to nonsense words/syllables. Anyways, rant.

We all went to Essenhaus Thursday night. By all, I mean Ashley, Lauren, Theresa, Rick, Justina, her bf, and me. It was unexpectedly fun. We drank too much I am sure, and made asses of ourselves. BUT I enjoyed Rick so much that night, holy hilarious. It was a fun place, not too cheap but worth the experience. I'd consider going there again if we ever have more visitors.

Halloween - I had some really fun times and I was also disappointed a bunch. State street is way too crazy. It was fun to see the funny costumes. We had a lot of fun getting ready and before we left for State St. Then it was just too crowded and we had to wait forever to get a drink, get into a bar, or go to the bathroom so I was more or less sober when we got back to the apartment. Then me and Becky and Theresa and Rick slept in my room/closet and at least ended the night laughing at stupid shit. Again, Rick was a blast.

The next morning we went to Perkins and I didn't realize Errin and her friends were leaving straight from there, or I wouldn't have left after I paid my bill. Truth is, I was just really emotional(yet again) and felt sad that Yakob wouldn't just meet us for 5 minutes. I just miss MY friends, and I don't have many. I was bummed that Joe and Stephanie couldn't make it, Errin brought friends and was off with them, and Yakob stood me up. It was just disappointing because I have felt so sad, lonely, and depressed lately. I wanted it to be a good time.

Wednesday night as everyone was starting to get in, I got a call from Dennis. We talked for about 1hr and I kept trying to get off the phone because we had people arriving and stuff. He just kept talking, and we clearly have so much to catch up on so I told him to call me again. SO, he called 15 minutes later and we talked a bit more. It was just...weird? I mean, I love talking to Dennis. He's a great guy, and we've always been able to talk easily. Since I've been so lonely it was nice to talk to someone I felt really knew me, but at the same time disappointing because I feel like he is going off getting married and settling for a half-ass relationship. I've always felt that way about them, and it could be the circumstances that we broke up and he started dating her right away. They've been together more or less ever since, but I do know that she cheated on him a few years ago and they broke up for a bit. I feel like he took her back because of comfort or something. I just never think cheating is okay, ever. Everyone has their experiences and their beliefs but I just don't know how it gets that far. Anyways, who knows I told him I'd love to talk more often, but it'll probably be another few months. I don't want to call him and have Kristin get pissed. Geh.

Justina met her boyfriend, who was awesome btw, on match.com. Maybe I should go on there, cripes. I miss being close to someone and want to move on with my life, but it just doesn't feel right anyways. I know that might just be because I haven't met anyone lately who I would ever be interested in. I don't know, I have just been flat out depressed. I feel like crying all the time, and lately I have been. I just don't know if I am that depressed or if my hormones are messed up or what. I just feel alone, and like no one cares about me, and like I've lost anything good in my life.

Job is still okay, but I am consistently disappointed in that no other staff care to make me feel welcome, besides the librarian and art teacher. I am getting all of my things together for my 4th/5th grade concert in December. I hope I pull it off alright. I left school after lunch today because I was feeling kind of sick last night and asked the retired music teacher if she'd be interested in subbing for me if I didn't feel better. She could only do the afternoon so I guess that's what I asked her to do. I could have stayed all day, but let's face it I needed a mental health afternoon. I would take tomorrow off for more mental health, but we have staff development and knowing my luck my sickness would kick into full force in a few days when I need to actually be gone.

I just don't think I can describe how I feel lately. Not to be a downer, but I thought it would pass. I find myself so sensitive, emotional, and drained. I feel like Josh is completely shutting me out of his life. If that's what he wants, whatever. I am just disappointed because I thought we could be friends. This is what I did to him at points this summer, but I was mad and dealing with a fresh wound. Now, I just wonder if he is flat over it all, or mad at me, or in love with another person or what. I just feel like a major retard trying to talk to him, because it feels one-sided and like he is so uninterested in my life, along with everyone else. So the death of our regular friendship has been hard on me. It will never be normal again.

I just don't know. I JUST DON'T KNOW! Please don't comment, I only find it awkward. (although I appreciated MOST of the other comments on my last post on friends).