OK, so here's the update...hmmm where to start?
After my last post we had our presentation at UWEC. It went alright I think. The first one was a little cramped on time, but the next one was better. We had more time to show videos and answer questions and act out some scenarios. I definitely left with lots of ideas for presentations in the future. It's a learning thing just like everything else. It was nice to chat with Dr. Murphy and felt good to feel like an actual colleague.
Otherwise, Feb was fine. We had our first band concert. It was kind of bleh, lots of people choked. Oh well, it was fun to move on and get new music. We are playing some band standards(well just movements of them) like Linconshire Posy, Holst First Suite, and so on. We are also playing Benediction by John Stevens and I have fond memories of playing that in our old tuba/euph quartet so that's cool. I get to play the starting and ending solos and the old people think it's amazing. How funny. In many ways I think I sound way better than I did in college and in other ways I can still tell I am out of shape. BUT playing 1-2 times a week, sometimes more, is still so much better than once every couple of months like last year in Owatonna. It feels great and I feel like I didn't throw away $4000 on a euphonium.
I have been trying to fix my eyes. This Thygeson's is a bitch. I have been to the friggin eye dr. 5 times since mid-January. I finally was able to wear my contacts again and after 3-4 weeks I started to be able to wear them less and less. I started having itchy eyes again and it is so dang hard not to rub them. Anyways, my eye dr had emergency surgery so I had to see some new douche. He is weird and his breath smells. He told me to go back to not wearing contacts and up'ed my eye drop dose back up to what it was in the beginning. Luckily, I got my new glasses and my eyes are feeling much better. Hopefully when I go back this Friday he says I can work back into contacts again. My new glasses are nice, I suppose. It's always strange to adjust to the way you look even though no one else seems to notice. In the last two days I think 3 kids noticed. Maybe that's a good thing...
In the beginning of March my school went to see a group at the Overture Center, called Sones de Mexico. We studied music in Mexico and stuff to prepare and it felt meaningful to the kids when we went. It was cute, and we had front row seats so a bunch of our kids got picked to be volunteers. They also asked the audience to point to their music teacher and all 100ish 2/3rd graders were freaking out pointing to me. Hilarious. These kids are nuts. I love them.
Beatriz came to visit a couple weekends ago. It was a nice visit, although I almost don't like hosting someone for four days. It's tough no matter how much you love someone. Plus, she got the stomach flu Friday night or something and threw up 3-4 times. No one else got it so who knows what was up. Saturday was St. Fat's and it was fun. I think because we started drinking as we were waiting for dinner to be done we got drunk really fast. Joe and Stephanie came and surprised me. I really didn't think they were coming. It was crazy, just as it always has been. Good to see everyone.
The next day we visited Dave Jaeckel because he was in the hospital for ten days. His blood pressure got so high that the blood vessels behind his eyes burst and he is basically going to be blind for a year. It was nice to see him, hopefully he was happy we came. We also saw Rick and Ellen M. Ellen has been sick for a few years off and on with ovarian cancer. It's pretty bad. Even though her cancer is in remission, she still is dying. Her stomach is destroyed, as well as her kidneys and other parts. They've already purchased a cemetery plot, and she was going to talk to us about her funeral but I guess it was too hard. I think she wants us to play or something. I just think it's so sad. I love her so much, she's always been so much fun. She was like another drum corps mom, her and Cheryl McCormick. I hope we are able to get to see her again soon.
Moving on, last weekend me and Theresa didn't have much to do so we sat around at watched the 1977 TV series Roots about black slavery. It was so interesting. I've always loved that part of history(not in the way like I thought slavery was good!) I like learning about history now that I am older, and I like hearing stories about slavery, or things like the Holocost. Does that make me weird? It was a nice weekend.
This is the last week before Spring Break. Can. Not. Wait. The kids are going nuts and are ready for a break, although I have to remember their behavior might also reflect their anxiety about the lack of stucture, supervision, etc. that they might experience over that break. Our family is coming down this weekend. We are hanging out Friday and then spending Saturday in Chicago and then they will go back on Sunday. I guess Scott, Laura, Shannon, Mom, Dad, and maybe even Pat and Erin are coming. It's going to be another full house here. It will be a fun way to kick of break though. Then Theresa and I are spending Sunday-Thursday getting tons of school stuff done(or that's the plan) and then we'll spend some time in EC and Menomonie.
I am pretty excited because the Wisconsin Chamber Orchestra is coming to Falk after break. It'll be fun, and also I am meeting with a lady on Thursday about the Madison Symphony Orchestra doing a program at Falk where a quartet comes 4 times throughout the year to teach about their instruments and music. I feel like no one takes advantage of these FREE opportunities. CMON people!
So, I received, signed, and returned my contract for next year, still 90% of full time. This doesn't mean I am for sure going to be here, but I guess I have some security now. I am going to continue to look at job postings, but I'll only apply for full time jobs that I would feel comfortable staying at for at least three years. It's a lot of stomach, all of this job shit. Gah. I don't hate my job here, I just feel like something is missing. I don't connect to my colleague like I want to, you know since I am not a die-hard Bucky Badger fan. Time will tell what will happen. My fingers are crossed for a new opportunity.
This month is Music in Our Schools Month and so this week I am having a music "open house". Basically, friends and family are invited to sit in on music class and see what it's all about. So far, I have had a few parents show up. Not too many, but I half expected none to come. It's been fun to show them what we do in music, especially with the little ones. They're so cute! I am getting into my concert stuff more heavily now so it's also not like it shows exactly what every other day is like. I am getting super excited for my concert. It's at the end of April and I feel like I started much earlier and have been much more prepared. Things are still coming up so fast and piling up too. I am sure it will be fine though.
Well, Biggest Loser and American Idol are on so I am going to get back to that. Hope everyone is doing well!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Oh Hey, didn't see ya there...
I am writing an IUO to everyone who reads this blog. Tonight I will make up lost time and update you all on my ever so exciting life of children, singing, and dancing, oh and also of sailor jerry.
Coming soon!
Coming soon!
Monday, February 15, 2010
waiting
I am in the Haas computer lab...yes. Weird. I am waiting to go set up for our presentation. Doc and I loosely talked about meeting at noon but he wasn't in his office when I got here. Oh well, I'll hopefully get to catch him at some point. He's been so busy and stressed lately, I am sure he forgot or something came up. It feels SO strange to be sitting at Haas, I feel like I don't know anybody. OR they think I am Becky or something. Who knows...anyways, what can I do for 30 minutes until I can go set up. Argh, I am just sitting here getting nervous now.
Hmmmm. So Friday went well. I had that little entertainment performance for the parents/community members that attended Read Your Heart Out Day(for National African American Parent Involvement Day). The kids did a good job, and the teachers and staff from the district we've been working with on culturally relevant teaching thought it was awesome. They thought I picked perfect songs, ok. I'll take that. I also got my formal write-up from Lynn. She wrote all really good things, and she recommended that I be offered another contract so I guess now the ball is in my court. I still don't have a clue about next year, but the possibility of staying doesn't freak the hell out of me anymore. The VDay dance at night was fun too, met some more parents and got silly with the kids. They think it's amazing that I know all the songs the DJ played.
Spent the weekend between EC and Menomonie. Saw Dear John with the Soules family ladies. It was a good movie, I didn't cry too much though. There are a lot of movies I have been waiting to see though, I realized. I should get on that.
I should also pack up and get out of here. People are popping their heads in to look for empty computers. You know....
Wish us luck!
Hmmmm. So Friday went well. I had that little entertainment performance for the parents/community members that attended Read Your Heart Out Day(for National African American Parent Involvement Day). The kids did a good job, and the teachers and staff from the district we've been working with on culturally relevant teaching thought it was awesome. They thought I picked perfect songs, ok. I'll take that. I also got my formal write-up from Lynn. She wrote all really good things, and she recommended that I be offered another contract so I guess now the ball is in my court. I still don't have a clue about next year, but the possibility of staying doesn't freak the hell out of me anymore. The VDay dance at night was fun too, met some more parents and got silly with the kids. They think it's amazing that I know all the songs the DJ played.
Spent the weekend between EC and Menomonie. Saw Dear John with the Soules family ladies. It was a good movie, I didn't cry too much though. There are a lot of movies I have been waiting to see though, I realized. I should get on that.
I should also pack up and get out of here. People are popping their heads in to look for empty computers. You know....
Wish us luck!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
snow storm?
I mean, it's snowing out but it's not horrible. We'll see how the roads are in the morning I guess. Still hate winter though, I am counting down the weeks until Spring Break...ahhhh.
School has been alright this week so far. I still feel like some kids are in some sort of winter funk. They tattle a lot and get into stupid fights. It's frustrating, I have to work so hard to keep some kids from going off the wall. Hopefully the weeks keeping moving fast and warmer weather will help their attitude.
Becky and Rick and Yakob visited this weekend. Holy BAD eating. Oh well, it was so fun, not worth the calories but so fun. It's always nice to see Yakob because we can pick up where we left off, and he just has the best laugh. We went to state street Friday and had a couple of boots and ended at Qdoba, followed by a hilarious cab ride home. Our driver was hilarious and was ripping on Madison people. Saturday was spent making bad choice after bad choice, ending in dominoes pizza. Sunday morning was perkins and off they went.
I should probably write more but I am pretty tired. Tomorrow is my busiest day so I can't wait for it to be over. Morning duty should be a joy in the snow and ice. Maybe I will get to yell at kids for going on the big hill, or not wearing snowpants and boots and being covered in snow. My life.
Good night, world. And Gooooood bye to Michelle AKA Red team bitch from biggest loser. Haha.
School has been alright this week so far. I still feel like some kids are in some sort of winter funk. They tattle a lot and get into stupid fights. It's frustrating, I have to work so hard to keep some kids from going off the wall. Hopefully the weeks keeping moving fast and warmer weather will help their attitude.
Becky and Rick and Yakob visited this weekend. Holy BAD eating. Oh well, it was so fun, not worth the calories but so fun. It's always nice to see Yakob because we can pick up where we left off, and he just has the best laugh. We went to state street Friday and had a couple of boots and ended at Qdoba, followed by a hilarious cab ride home. Our driver was hilarious and was ripping on Madison people. Saturday was spent making bad choice after bad choice, ending in dominoes pizza. Sunday morning was perkins and off they went.
I should probably write more but I am pretty tired. Tomorrow is my busiest day so I can't wait for it to be over. Morning duty should be a joy in the snow and ice. Maybe I will get to yell at kids for going on the big hill, or not wearing snowpants and boots and being covered in snow. My life.
Good night, world. And Gooooood bye to Michelle AKA Red team bitch from biggest loser. Haha.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
baaaaaaand.
Just got home from band tonight. Forgot to mention before that Theresa and I joined the MATC Municipal Band and we also convinced Mike Mitmoen to join on tuba. It's feels great to play again, just wish we met more than once a week. I don't feel like I took wind symphony for-granted, but dang do I miss it. I also feel like I sound better now than in college, strange how that happens.
Today was a good day. I am trying to post more often so I don't forget so much that has happened. I have an eye dr. appointment yet again tomorrow afternoon. I have this eye disease, which is why I have had contact problems for months(maybe over a year?). Basically, I have bumps on my cornea and huge white blobs on my eyelids from it that don't do well with contacts. The drops I've been taking helped my cornea at my last check up two weeks ago, but my eyelids still needed more work. I find out tomorrow if I can attempt contacts again. My fingers are crossed. I am still going to buy new glasses though because this can come and go and I can only wear contacts when the disease is in remission. I am curious to see if my sisters have the same thing, probably Becky does and Theresa probably will eventually. It's just not fun to do 4-6 eyedrops a day.
We had a super specials popcorn party this afternoon with one class, and it was fun. I burned a CD with cool songs on for courage assemblies and things like this with radio songs(Party in the USA!) and they love it. The other teachers think I am crazy, but they like it too. One kid who has some mental instabilities(dangerous apparently) starting yelling that I needed to change it when Miley Cyrus came on because he cries when he hears it. Ha, he wasn't kidding! So, I changed it to Outkast, and then JaySean. Nice.
I really hope other people post some bloggage soon. It's fun to read, hard to write I know, but pleeeease! I should be getting to bed though for tonight, already up past my bedtime. Good night!
Today was a good day. I am trying to post more often so I don't forget so much that has happened. I have an eye dr. appointment yet again tomorrow afternoon. I have this eye disease, which is why I have had contact problems for months(maybe over a year?). Basically, I have bumps on my cornea and huge white blobs on my eyelids from it that don't do well with contacts. The drops I've been taking helped my cornea at my last check up two weeks ago, but my eyelids still needed more work. I find out tomorrow if I can attempt contacts again. My fingers are crossed. I am still going to buy new glasses though because this can come and go and I can only wear contacts when the disease is in remission. I am curious to see if my sisters have the same thing, probably Becky does and Theresa probably will eventually. It's just not fun to do 4-6 eyedrops a day.
We had a super specials popcorn party this afternoon with one class, and it was fun. I burned a CD with cool songs on for courage assemblies and things like this with radio songs(Party in the USA!) and they love it. The other teachers think I am crazy, but they like it too. One kid who has some mental instabilities(dangerous apparently) starting yelling that I needed to change it when Miley Cyrus came on because he cries when he hears it. Ha, he wasn't kidding! So, I changed it to Outkast, and then JaySean. Nice.
I really hope other people post some bloggage soon. It's fun to read, hard to write I know, but pleeeease! I should be getting to bed though for tonight, already up past my bedtime. Good night!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Wow, it's February!
January flew by, I can't believe it. Lots has happened, but not much toooo special.
I am feeling WAY better since I last posted. I was getting so depressed and STRESS was the main factor. I talked with my family over break and that helped a lot. Then after coming back to Madison after break, things seemed different. I missed my kids from school, which made getting back into things easier. I felt like I had a new appreciation for them. I also talked with a counselor. It's not like she helped a ton, but I realized in talking to her what my biggest issue was...my career and life "plan". I have been so stressed out about the future, what will happen next year, and how things are going at Falk, etc. It's like as soon as I just let myself enjoy the present and take each day by each day, things just felt more comfortable. I think when I started at Falk it was so different that what I pictured my life being like. Let's back up, my former life plan was...get married, get a typical music job like Owatonna(a good program eventually or as soon as possible) and work my way into getting Kodaly certified, presenting on music ed at workshops, going to grad school, having a family, becoming a college professor, all with a certain kind of teaching philosophy. That philosophy was based on efficient, meaningful, and fun music education where I pushed kids, and had high expectations. My philosophy is still the same but there has been so much added to it, and in that way it has changed. In the beginning, at my new school I felt that the behaviors and challenges I was facing were interfering with the way I expected the kids to learn music. NOW, I have accepted and fully embraced a culturally relevant, and much more student life success type of philosophy. I have the same goals, but a much different way of getting there. Even learning about culturally relevant teaching in the beginning was like, "yeah yeah, what does that mean for me?". Now, I see the benefits and the importance. I have a huge heart, and I want to help kids. All kids need a good teacher, but I am seeing that my students here in Madison need so much more than my students in Owatonna(obviously a generalization, but still the truth). They need love, support, and someone who believes in them so much more. They are faced with far more every day challenges than I ever experienced. It was a huge can of worms to even open, and to be honest it scared the hell out of me. Once I realized that it was not so scary to just try small things here and there, and to overcome one issue at a time, I know that there is hope to help them. Also, no matter what we accomplish in regards to standards and achievement, it isn't hard to love every student. It makes me think back to what Doc Young had said his philosophy was, "Every student deserves a good music education and a teacher should be an advocate for all of their students". I thought to myself, "yeah, that's me too. I do that. I buy that." Only now do I realize how much I was missing, and that's not easy for someone so passionate about teaching to admit. I thought I was doing everything I knew was right, and was working my butt off. Now, I see things in a different light. I understand that no one is probably interested in this rant, but it feels good and is important for me to articulate. Going back to my old life plan, there has been obvious road blocks. I am no longer on track to be getting married and having kids. I know there isn't one path, and that life doesn't just roll out the way you expect it, but it was a lot to take in when you had expectations. My biggest problem is having these expectations, reflecting to a point where I am stuck on issues that can't be immediately solved(or I don't have the power to solve at this point in time) and I honestly just worry too much. I dwell on things I care a lot about. It's hard for me to live in the present and not be such a future thinker, it's my Existential Multiple Intelligence taking over me. That's what was good about talking to a professional. She helped me see how much I was worrying about things, letting it control my life. We also talked about a few ways to get around that, or ways to bring me back to reality. I keep forgetting to set up another appointment. I don't want to never go again and have the same tendencies pop up over time, but at the same time I am just grateful I got out of my huge slump. Also in regards to my life plan, I had been planning on a journey that took me to grad school, and getting my doctorate to teach college. I still think that's what I want to do, but I also have to accept that I really like teaching kids. I realllllly like teaching kids. I also realllllly like sharing what I've learned. So, I'll probably end up just teaching longer than I originally planned or something. Either way, I've just got to remind myself that there is no rush to decide what my future will bring. You never know anyways. I could die in a car accident or something awful, and I would have wasted years worrying about the future I never ended up getting. I am not saying I want that(yikes) but I am saying I have to remember how lucky I am right now, in February 2010. I have a great family. I have friends(even though I was thinking I didn't) and I also have 350 kids to love and help grow. I honestly don't even care about being single right now. I don't even want to think about a relationship right now, because what's the point? No one will be what I expect, something will just happen when I least expect it. I also still want to be healthy, but I've found myself not dwelling on my weight or appearance as much anymore too. I want to work out, eat better, and lose weight, and dress nice, and look good for myself. I still want that. BUT it's not at the point where I am beating myself up, putting myself down, wishing for big chances over night and feeling hopeless anymore. It's strange, how getting a mental grasp on something like my career, can make all other parts of my life seem better. I regret to say that I didn't even give the teachers at Falk a fair chance in the beginning as well. I had these expectations (there's that word again) of them and how I thought they should welcome and include me. In reality, many of them are really great, and HAVE in fact welcomed me. I was expecting them to read my mind. That was also the case with my parents when I felt so depressed too. I was expecting them to just know how I was feeling, and know how to make me feel better. It just wasn't fair to them. I know deep down my parents love me. I also know that no matter what they probably did, I would have felt like crap until I figured this all out on my own. I'm just glad I am figuring things out, slowly but surely. I'm getting there, and thank God!
I guess I could write about other things too. Hmmm, where to start?
Wow, New Year's was alright, long time ago. I got way too drunk. I felt so dehydrated the next day. My hands were tingling, and I got really sick after that too. It wasn't fun being sick, but oh well. It was nice to see friends, even though it never feels like you really get to catch up with people. You have fun, do the small talk, and move on. I guess that's life at this point though. Accept it, and move on.
Becky and Errin came to visit Jan 8-10th and it was a good time. Lauren Z. also came out that Friday and we all went to Essenhaus. We had a few boots, took a cab home(in which we made asses of ourselves) and got home only to have some more crazy times. I bumped Theresa over, and she fell into the kitchen, at which time Becky thought it would be fun to throw the things on the counter at her, including a beer bottle. She chipped the front tooth a little bit, and I don't care what it sounds like to others, it was hilarious. We spent the rest of the weekend attempting a Wicked and Cheap Vodka Party with Errin(guess we spent ourselves the night before though) and watched a ton of Glee. Love Glee. It is so sad that we won't see Errin for so long now since she is leaving for the Peace Corps, but I am glad we got the time we did. We'll miss you Errin!
We went to Menomonie/EC the next weekend so Theresa could get a car. It's so nice that we aren't car pooling anymore. She got a sweet car, I am slightly jealous. ha. It has heated seats, and anywhere we go together she drives now. It's like a heating pad on your lower back. Ahhhhh. Also, got to watch Shannon dance while we were home. I see her dance about once a year, and never fails, I tear up. She is so grown up! AND I don't know when she learned how to entertain the crowd so much, what a smiler! :) It was quite cute.
The next weekend Lindsay B. came down and Fat Z met up with us too. We went to Cancun and got margaritas. They had a live band and they kept coming by our table singing in spanish. It was awkward but awesome. They asked if we spoke spanish, we said no, and so they sang standards like DeColores and Ba Ba Bamba(?). The next day I met Becky in LaCrosse and we visited my friend Kathy from high school. She has also had a really rough year this year. She graduated with an associates nursing degree but has had a really hard time passing her boards. She lost her job because of it. She had an internship through school, and they offered her a job after she graduated but she had to pass her boards within 6months to stay on, which she did not. She had a large bunion removed on her foot, and lost insurance at the worst time. She has money issues now and is feeling depressed, along with seeing a total douche bag we went to school with. He totally used her, and I hate him for that. What a dick. Anyway, we had dinner with Lindsay, another friend from HS and her bf, then went back to Kathy's and just chilled out.
This past weekend, Mom, Dad, and Laura came down. Dad bought a van in Sauk Prairie(30 min from here) and realized his AC wasn't working right so he took it down here again since it's under warranty and they decided to hit two birds with one stone and come visit us. They came to Falk in the afternoon, and they got to see a courage assembly. They thought my school was nice, and we're surprised how many young teachers there were since I made it seem like there were none. Gah, I know there are but they are all from here, married, or bitchy. It's hard to ask them to get schwasted some night. After that we headed to Leopold where Theresa teaches, saw her classroom, then went to the apartment. Dad saw it when we moved in, mom thought it was nice. We went for a drive/tour around Madison, and ended at mom's favorite place, Cracker Barrel. It was really good, then we went back and relaxed while watching Mamma Mia. We woke up fairly early, made a huge breakfast, and went to a big antique store, and two goodwills so mom and dad could look for things for the cabin. That cabin is going to be the sweetest cabin on earth when it's all said and done I think. They left in the afternoon and Theresa and I lounged. Sunday was Celebrating Youth at the Monona Terrace. Basically kid groups perform and have displays. We went to help out with the Boys and Girls Club drumline. It was refreshing to see so many young talents and also opportunities Madison has to offer kids. We left kind of early though because Theresa got a bad headache. She had a headache and cold for a couple of days. I am glad(knock on wood) that I never got it from her.
This week has been going good at school. It is African American History Month so I've been trying to get all into that. It was also fun to do the Groundhog song, and now to do a little Valentines stuff too. I was observed last week Tuesday by my principal and we met this afternoon to go over it. She said ALL nice things, was really impressed, and said, "I am not kidding, from the beginning to end, Liz, I wouldn't ask you to change a thing". It's nice to hear that. She doesn't go out of her way to compliment, she's not like that so I'll take it when I can. She also said she assumed that it was also a pretty typical example of what my every day is like, and I honestly could not argue. I am doing a really good job. Whew.
This weekend Yakob is supposed to visit(crossing my fingers he doesn't bail). Hopefully we have some ridiculous times ahead.
Next week Friday is a big Read Your Heart Out Day in celebration of National African American Parent Involvement Day(get all that?). It's a day where parents and community members come in and read to the classes, and promote reading and parent involvement. There is a big luncheon that I was asked to provide entertainment for. Basically, a few of my classes have to work on songs to sing while they eat. It's not a huuuuge deal, but I want to make sure it goes well. It's like a mini-concert. I hope it goes well. That night is also the Valentines Dance. I am SO going! Saturday morning we are leaving for EC.
We(me and Theresa) are presenting on Feb. 15th at UWEC on Culturally Relevant Practice(with an emphasis on African American students). We are talking to Dr. Murphy's class and then later on with CMENC. I am SO excited for this and have been working hard on the presentation. I had emailed a tentative outline to Dr. Murphy a few weeks ago, she was so impressed that she wants us to submit to be presenters at the WMEA 2011 convention. Wouldn't that be cool? I always wanted to be a workshop presenter, but who knew it would happen that fast? or more so with this topic?! Crazy. I just am surprised how fast I have become passionate on this subject. How interesting...
I think I mentioned in my last post how Donte is back at school(student who was shot in the face). It's great to see him getting stronger and enjoying being in school. Unfortunately, he is testing some of the staff and his behavior is not always great. FORTUNATELY, he has been good in music and gives me about 5 hugs a day when he sees me anywhere. I saw a glimpse of it once this week though, when he was pissed he couldn't do a partner game with turning and jumping. I tried to give him a drum and play it off like he got the better deal, but I think he's just frustrated with not fitting back into the normal picture at this point. He's still got a long road ahead of him. I am hoping his recovery stays on track or speeds up. His sister is doing really well, and actually has come out of her shell a ton since coming back, more and more each day. I think in her situation, she got a lot of attention from it, and liked that, and also feels good that people care for her. Of course, I love them both, and don't care if they swear in my face or flip me the bird, because I know that they need love and have had a much harder life than I could ever imagine.
Alright, well I guess that was more than a sufficient post. Hope everyone is doing well. Please write more friends. I really miss you all! I'll leave you with a few kid quotes...
"I am going to ask my mom to go to the junk yard right after school" 1st grader after our after school club, Musical Junk where we make instruments out of recyclables.
"Ha, Ms. Soules, you talkin' Hip Hop!" after I told a kid to "git out ma face".
"HEY, I just saw you when I was sleeping!" I think I was in this kid's dream?
"You're not married?!" "Nope" "Then who do you live with?" "You know that, I live with the other Ms. Soules" "You live with another MISS Soules??" at about this time I realized the kid thought I was married to a woman and had to explain it was my sister.
"I like your pants" "I like your shirt" "I like your hair" "I love you" and "I missed you"(since yesterday?) Gotta love kids.
"Don't anybody bump my loose tooth!"
"Do you believe in God and Heaven?" uh ....shit "I am not really going to comment on that in school, you don't need to know what I believe in right now in music" Argument starts between kids on whether or not I go to church until sweet little Nytel says "guys! I KNOW she does". OK, guess you had to be there, but he was like trying to defend me and it was like if I said I didn't his heart would have broken right then and there. His faith in me was ridiculous. Awkward!
"Can we play Bate Bate?"(every day for months) Today - "OH MY GOD MS. SOULES! I like this game more than Bate Bate, I love you"
I am feeling WAY better since I last posted. I was getting so depressed and STRESS was the main factor. I talked with my family over break and that helped a lot. Then after coming back to Madison after break, things seemed different. I missed my kids from school, which made getting back into things easier. I felt like I had a new appreciation for them. I also talked with a counselor. It's not like she helped a ton, but I realized in talking to her what my biggest issue was...my career and life "plan". I have been so stressed out about the future, what will happen next year, and how things are going at Falk, etc. It's like as soon as I just let myself enjoy the present and take each day by each day, things just felt more comfortable. I think when I started at Falk it was so different that what I pictured my life being like. Let's back up, my former life plan was...get married, get a typical music job like Owatonna(a good program eventually or as soon as possible) and work my way into getting Kodaly certified, presenting on music ed at workshops, going to grad school, having a family, becoming a college professor, all with a certain kind of teaching philosophy. That philosophy was based on efficient, meaningful, and fun music education where I pushed kids, and had high expectations. My philosophy is still the same but there has been so much added to it, and in that way it has changed. In the beginning, at my new school I felt that the behaviors and challenges I was facing were interfering with the way I expected the kids to learn music. NOW, I have accepted and fully embraced a culturally relevant, and much more student life success type of philosophy. I have the same goals, but a much different way of getting there. Even learning about culturally relevant teaching in the beginning was like, "yeah yeah, what does that mean for me?". Now, I see the benefits and the importance. I have a huge heart, and I want to help kids. All kids need a good teacher, but I am seeing that my students here in Madison need so much more than my students in Owatonna(obviously a generalization, but still the truth). They need love, support, and someone who believes in them so much more. They are faced with far more every day challenges than I ever experienced. It was a huge can of worms to even open, and to be honest it scared the hell out of me. Once I realized that it was not so scary to just try small things here and there, and to overcome one issue at a time, I know that there is hope to help them. Also, no matter what we accomplish in regards to standards and achievement, it isn't hard to love every student. It makes me think back to what Doc Young had said his philosophy was, "Every student deserves a good music education and a teacher should be an advocate for all of their students". I thought to myself, "yeah, that's me too. I do that. I buy that." Only now do I realize how much I was missing, and that's not easy for someone so passionate about teaching to admit. I thought I was doing everything I knew was right, and was working my butt off. Now, I see things in a different light. I understand that no one is probably interested in this rant, but it feels good and is important for me to articulate. Going back to my old life plan, there has been obvious road blocks. I am no longer on track to be getting married and having kids. I know there isn't one path, and that life doesn't just roll out the way you expect it, but it was a lot to take in when you had expectations. My biggest problem is having these expectations, reflecting to a point where I am stuck on issues that can't be immediately solved(or I don't have the power to solve at this point in time) and I honestly just worry too much. I dwell on things I care a lot about. It's hard for me to live in the present and not be such a future thinker, it's my Existential Multiple Intelligence taking over me. That's what was good about talking to a professional. She helped me see how much I was worrying about things, letting it control my life. We also talked about a few ways to get around that, or ways to bring me back to reality. I keep forgetting to set up another appointment. I don't want to never go again and have the same tendencies pop up over time, but at the same time I am just grateful I got out of my huge slump. Also in regards to my life plan, I had been planning on a journey that took me to grad school, and getting my doctorate to teach college. I still think that's what I want to do, but I also have to accept that I really like teaching kids. I realllllly like teaching kids. I also realllllly like sharing what I've learned. So, I'll probably end up just teaching longer than I originally planned or something. Either way, I've just got to remind myself that there is no rush to decide what my future will bring. You never know anyways. I could die in a car accident or something awful, and I would have wasted years worrying about the future I never ended up getting. I am not saying I want that(yikes) but I am saying I have to remember how lucky I am right now, in February 2010. I have a great family. I have friends(even though I was thinking I didn't) and I also have 350 kids to love and help grow. I honestly don't even care about being single right now. I don't even want to think about a relationship right now, because what's the point? No one will be what I expect, something will just happen when I least expect it. I also still want to be healthy, but I've found myself not dwelling on my weight or appearance as much anymore too. I want to work out, eat better, and lose weight, and dress nice, and look good for myself. I still want that. BUT it's not at the point where I am beating myself up, putting myself down, wishing for big chances over night and feeling hopeless anymore. It's strange, how getting a mental grasp on something like my career, can make all other parts of my life seem better. I regret to say that I didn't even give the teachers at Falk a fair chance in the beginning as well. I had these expectations (there's that word again) of them and how I thought they should welcome and include me. In reality, many of them are really great, and HAVE in fact welcomed me. I was expecting them to read my mind. That was also the case with my parents when I felt so depressed too. I was expecting them to just know how I was feeling, and know how to make me feel better. It just wasn't fair to them. I know deep down my parents love me. I also know that no matter what they probably did, I would have felt like crap until I figured this all out on my own. I'm just glad I am figuring things out, slowly but surely. I'm getting there, and thank God!
I guess I could write about other things too. Hmmm, where to start?
Wow, New Year's was alright, long time ago. I got way too drunk. I felt so dehydrated the next day. My hands were tingling, and I got really sick after that too. It wasn't fun being sick, but oh well. It was nice to see friends, even though it never feels like you really get to catch up with people. You have fun, do the small talk, and move on. I guess that's life at this point though. Accept it, and move on.
Becky and Errin came to visit Jan 8-10th and it was a good time. Lauren Z. also came out that Friday and we all went to Essenhaus. We had a few boots, took a cab home(in which we made asses of ourselves) and got home only to have some more crazy times. I bumped Theresa over, and she fell into the kitchen, at which time Becky thought it would be fun to throw the things on the counter at her, including a beer bottle. She chipped the front tooth a little bit, and I don't care what it sounds like to others, it was hilarious. We spent the rest of the weekend attempting a Wicked and Cheap Vodka Party with Errin(guess we spent ourselves the night before though) and watched a ton of Glee. Love Glee. It is so sad that we won't see Errin for so long now since she is leaving for the Peace Corps, but I am glad we got the time we did. We'll miss you Errin!
We went to Menomonie/EC the next weekend so Theresa could get a car. It's so nice that we aren't car pooling anymore. She got a sweet car, I am slightly jealous. ha. It has heated seats, and anywhere we go together she drives now. It's like a heating pad on your lower back. Ahhhhh. Also, got to watch Shannon dance while we were home. I see her dance about once a year, and never fails, I tear up. She is so grown up! AND I don't know when she learned how to entertain the crowd so much, what a smiler! :) It was quite cute.
The next weekend Lindsay B. came down and Fat Z met up with us too. We went to Cancun and got margaritas. They had a live band and they kept coming by our table singing in spanish. It was awkward but awesome. They asked if we spoke spanish, we said no, and so they sang standards like DeColores and Ba Ba Bamba(?). The next day I met Becky in LaCrosse and we visited my friend Kathy from high school. She has also had a really rough year this year. She graduated with an associates nursing degree but has had a really hard time passing her boards. She lost her job because of it. She had an internship through school, and they offered her a job after she graduated but she had to pass her boards within 6months to stay on, which she did not. She had a large bunion removed on her foot, and lost insurance at the worst time. She has money issues now and is feeling depressed, along with seeing a total douche bag we went to school with. He totally used her, and I hate him for that. What a dick. Anyway, we had dinner with Lindsay, another friend from HS and her bf, then went back to Kathy's and just chilled out.
This past weekend, Mom, Dad, and Laura came down. Dad bought a van in Sauk Prairie(30 min from here) and realized his AC wasn't working right so he took it down here again since it's under warranty and they decided to hit two birds with one stone and come visit us. They came to Falk in the afternoon, and they got to see a courage assembly. They thought my school was nice, and we're surprised how many young teachers there were since I made it seem like there were none. Gah, I know there are but they are all from here, married, or bitchy. It's hard to ask them to get schwasted some night. After that we headed to Leopold where Theresa teaches, saw her classroom, then went to the apartment. Dad saw it when we moved in, mom thought it was nice. We went for a drive/tour around Madison, and ended at mom's favorite place, Cracker Barrel. It was really good, then we went back and relaxed while watching Mamma Mia. We woke up fairly early, made a huge breakfast, and went to a big antique store, and two goodwills so mom and dad could look for things for the cabin. That cabin is going to be the sweetest cabin on earth when it's all said and done I think. They left in the afternoon and Theresa and I lounged. Sunday was Celebrating Youth at the Monona Terrace. Basically kid groups perform and have displays. We went to help out with the Boys and Girls Club drumline. It was refreshing to see so many young talents and also opportunities Madison has to offer kids. We left kind of early though because Theresa got a bad headache. She had a headache and cold for a couple of days. I am glad(knock on wood) that I never got it from her.
This week has been going good at school. It is African American History Month so I've been trying to get all into that. It was also fun to do the Groundhog song, and now to do a little Valentines stuff too. I was observed last week Tuesday by my principal and we met this afternoon to go over it. She said ALL nice things, was really impressed, and said, "I am not kidding, from the beginning to end, Liz, I wouldn't ask you to change a thing". It's nice to hear that. She doesn't go out of her way to compliment, she's not like that so I'll take it when I can. She also said she assumed that it was also a pretty typical example of what my every day is like, and I honestly could not argue. I am doing a really good job. Whew.
This weekend Yakob is supposed to visit(crossing my fingers he doesn't bail). Hopefully we have some ridiculous times ahead.
Next week Friday is a big Read Your Heart Out Day in celebration of National African American Parent Involvement Day(get all that?). It's a day where parents and community members come in and read to the classes, and promote reading and parent involvement. There is a big luncheon that I was asked to provide entertainment for. Basically, a few of my classes have to work on songs to sing while they eat. It's not a huuuuge deal, but I want to make sure it goes well. It's like a mini-concert. I hope it goes well. That night is also the Valentines Dance. I am SO going! Saturday morning we are leaving for EC.
We(me and Theresa) are presenting on Feb. 15th at UWEC on Culturally Relevant Practice(with an emphasis on African American students). We are talking to Dr. Murphy's class and then later on with CMENC. I am SO excited for this and have been working hard on the presentation. I had emailed a tentative outline to Dr. Murphy a few weeks ago, she was so impressed that she wants us to submit to be presenters at the WMEA 2011 convention. Wouldn't that be cool? I always wanted to be a workshop presenter, but who knew it would happen that fast? or more so with this topic?! Crazy. I just am surprised how fast I have become passionate on this subject. How interesting...
I think I mentioned in my last post how Donte is back at school(student who was shot in the face). It's great to see him getting stronger and enjoying being in school. Unfortunately, he is testing some of the staff and his behavior is not always great. FORTUNATELY, he has been good in music and gives me about 5 hugs a day when he sees me anywhere. I saw a glimpse of it once this week though, when he was pissed he couldn't do a partner game with turning and jumping. I tried to give him a drum and play it off like he got the better deal, but I think he's just frustrated with not fitting back into the normal picture at this point. He's still got a long road ahead of him. I am hoping his recovery stays on track or speeds up. His sister is doing really well, and actually has come out of her shell a ton since coming back, more and more each day. I think in her situation, she got a lot of attention from it, and liked that, and also feels good that people care for her. Of course, I love them both, and don't care if they swear in my face or flip me the bird, because I know that they need love and have had a much harder life than I could ever imagine.
Alright, well I guess that was more than a sufficient post. Hope everyone is doing well. Please write more friends. I really miss you all! I'll leave you with a few kid quotes...
"I am going to ask my mom to go to the junk yard right after school" 1st grader after our after school club, Musical Junk where we make instruments out of recyclables.
"Ha, Ms. Soules, you talkin' Hip Hop!" after I told a kid to "git out ma face".
"HEY, I just saw you when I was sleeping!" I think I was in this kid's dream?
"You're not married?!" "Nope" "Then who do you live with?" "You know that, I live with the other Ms. Soules" "You live with another MISS Soules??" at about this time I realized the kid thought I was married to a woman and had to explain it was my sister.
"I like your pants" "I like your shirt" "I like your hair" "I love you" and "I missed you"(since yesterday?) Gotta love kids.
"Don't anybody bump my loose tooth!"
"Do you believe in God and Heaven?" uh ....shit "I am not really going to comment on that in school, you don't need to know what I believe in right now in music" Argument starts between kids on whether or not I go to church until sweet little Nytel says "guys! I KNOW she does". OK, guess you had to be there, but he was like trying to defend me and it was like if I said I didn't his heart would have broken right then and there. His faith in me was ridiculous. Awkward!
"Can we play Bate Bate?"(every day for months) Today - "OH MY GOD MS. SOULES! I like this game more than Bate Bate, I love you"
Friday, December 25, 2009
Merry Christmas
OK, I know it has been almost a month. I am procrastinating so hard core. Ugh, I am just THAT bored that I am long over-due blogging on Christmas.
Well, first I guess I should make a list of things worthwhile to comment on. Then I will go back and take a stab at the post.
- My students who were shot
- Doc's party/Hastings
- Pat and Erin's Wedding
- My concert
- Kristin Wood's unfortunate passing
- Becky's engagement and graduation
- Owatonna visit
- Christmas Eve/Christmas
AND I am sure much more....
So my students who were shot....they are doing much "better" I guess you could say. Destiny got to spend the last two days before break back in school. What a miracle. She was the one shot in the back of the skull. Originally we were all worried about her recovery in regards to her voice, jaw and tongue. All are healing very fast, and she seems to talk just fine. I was so happy to finally see her back at school. She was for sure very popular that day and was enjoying it too. Donte will be in the hospital for awhile yet I take it. He was paralyzed from the waist UP and that was so odd. He started to be able to wiggle his fingers and can feel the nurses rub his arms over the last couple of weeks. Thank GOD! So while his recovery is going to be a slow one, it is also still a miracle that he survived being shot in the face, and having it go in so far as to hit or traumatize his spinal chord. I burned them a few CDs, hope they liked them. Their mom is doing fine as well. They all will have major emotional trauma to deal with, but I guess I won't find much out about that process for the time being. I can only be happy for their physical recovery at this point. I wonder how the holidays have been for them and the whole family(minus scumbag Dad who is now in jail).
Doc's Party was alright, of course slightly awkward being that I am so far removed from his studio. I mean, really I just wanted to see Doc after all that happened that week at school and stuff. It was good to see him, but I wish we had more time to talk. It was also weird to think about last year's party when me and Josh got engaged and announced it at his party. Ah well. The cider was good and hot, and Mrs. Doc's prizes were entertaining as usual. The Hastings party was ridiculous on my behalf - or the Soules sisters in general. We got really drunk and flew around the party like we were bowling balls of destruction. It was good to see the few people I knew, and apparently talk to a bunch of people I should have known/recognized but didn't? Anyways, maybe too much to drink and some bruises found in the morning pretty much sums it up.
Pat and Erin's wedding was nice. I know that a winter wedding isn't what I would choose for myself, but it was great for them. Everything was very pretty and nicely decorated. The service was short and sweet. I am unbelievably happy for Pat and Erin. They have waited for a long time for that day and it went very well. Yahooo. They looked great and we had fun, minus a few fire alarms going off(some kid I guess did the first one - then I think they were just messed up). I was slightly disappointed that we were usherettes and yet it felt like we were not part of the wedding party at all. NOW, let me set this straight, I don't care if I am in the wedding party or not, but don't make a big deal of being an usherette and then pay no attention and have us sit on our asses the whole rehearsal and pictures, etc. Seriously, taking off school Friday was so pointless. Whatever though, not really anyone's fault, just irritating. The rehearsal dinner was also nice by the way. I was sort of mad at Mom for some stupid crap that made it a awkward and stressful weekend in a way unfortunately. Can't really explain or comment more on that...not enough time.
So on the way home from the wedding weekend we got a call from Becky informing us that Kristin was in a coma. It was quite a shock, and I think Theresa and I had NO IDEA how to comprehend what had already happened and what could happen next. We cried some, but not to the extent we felt was necessary. It just was all so confusing. Well Monday we got another call from Lindsay telling us that Kristin didn't make it. Still...confusing and in shock. We cried some more but I would say that it did not hit us until we were almost to Kristin's visitation on Friday night. It's like a sick feeling came over us, it's really happening. We stood in line for a long time and about 15-20 minutes before we got to her family and the casket we realized that it was open. Now, I have never ever been to an open casket funeral. This caused some panic in me. It was very hard to see her like that. I mean, they did a "good job"(what does that even mean?) but she just didn't look the same either. It was difficult, that's all I can really say. In a weird way, after I looked I couldn't stop and it made it more real to all of us. We could finally start to grieve. So strange, someone that young should not just suddenly die. Her funeral was also hard the next morning, lots of crying. I guess it was good to see the people that were there Friday and Saturday even though the reason wasn't a good one, and it makes you want to tell everyone you love that you love them. I am going to continue to be thinking of Kristin and her family, especially this holiday season, as well as Lindsay and her high school friend Erin. I just don't know what else to say about the whole thing.
So the day after Kristin's death I had my concert. Now this was a big to-do more because I had to hold all of the 4/5 grade students after school until the concert for a big party thing so ensure attendance. They got to sign up for different rooms and we had a snack/recess after school and pizza for dinner, etc. It was a lot of organizing, but I have to say it went really well with hardly any problems. It was great to be so busy at a sad time like that in a way too. I learned some things that will help future events such as this go even better, and the actual concert part went alright too. I have really high expectations and was working on this for so long that it is hard to sit back and enjoy and recognize the product even after it's done. I still find myself annoyed that they rushed here, or were TALKING a lot, or that a bunch of kids were pouting and not singing. I just have to remind myself that they did a good job, I did a great job, and this whole job and school is not easy. What I did for/with them, is not something that they have had in the past. I am really looking forward to the Spring concert now, with the whole school. I already have a bunch of ideas written down(I know - Type A). It was also interesting to show my family and some other people the video and see what they had to say. Seems like everyone is "impressed", for lack of a better word, in the diversity at my school. I think I give off the vibe that it is all African American kids, but really I have 61% African American. I have a lot of Asian, Hispanic, Middle Eastern, and Caucasian kids as well. When you look at my concert, there is a WIDE variety of skin color and appearances. I think to me, the African American presence is just so strong when I think of my school because their general tendencies are to be loud, outgoing, and are so different that the way I grew up. I have also been learning so much through my school's grant for African American education that I guess it seems so prevalent. Anyways...
SO late congrats online to Becky and Rick on their engagement. We all knew it was coming(Becky included) but that doesn't mean that it wasn't still a very happy moment. I am sooooo happy for the both of them. They are great for each other, make each other happy, bring out the best in each other, and love each other so much. Rick was sweet about how he did it, and if I could bottle up the happiness we heard in Becky's voice and drink it for breakfast every morning I would be a much happier person. I can't wait to see how the wedding plans start going, and look so so so forward to their wedding. I am also proud of Becky's graduating from UWEC, seems strange that none of us are there anymore. It was not like school was easy for Becky, and she put up with a lot of pressure from people, and pulled through to get what she deserved, a college degree. I often felt bad that Theresa and I fit in so well with our major and had a clear idea from day one of what we wanted out of college. She didn't and I think it shows a lot of strength to keep going like she did. Good job Becky, hope you get a job that fits you well too!
Wednesday I drove to Owatonna to visit my old colleagues and kids. It was interesting. I could not believe that the kids I saw at Lincoln and Washington recognized me right away. They gave me lots of hugs and it was really nice. I mean, I am not going to lie....some of them were like "oh yeah...forgot about you" type of look but that's fine. Hell, I couldn't remember hardly any names of them, and I'd see them and be shocked I forgot about them. They look so much older too already, in 6 months how weird. It was good to see Kathy and Sue, as well as Nancy(art teacher) and some other people. We went to Plaza Moreno and talked for awhile, basically about me and my job/life. I felt like it was a big sob story for me, but really I am just having a really hard time and they know it. It was nice to feel supported, and like the way I am feeling lately doesn't make me crazy. I was so lucky I fit in so well last year, and clicked with my colleagues, regardless of age. I guess, that's what I have been missing a lot this year at Falk. It was a hard drive in, very emotional for some reason. Hard to drive near the cities, hard to drive by Lakeville, hard to drive into and around Owatonna. It made me miss my life last year a ton, and the routine and comfort in it. In another way, it was better on the way back because I guess I was feeling slightly hopeful that I am going to get help and someday be happy again.
OK, so while this is turning into how unhappy I am I guess I should write briefly on that. I am depressed, so totally depressed lately. For the last few months I guess, and getting pretty bad. I mean, I feel just hopeless, worthless, bitchy, tired, sad, and dark. I am fine sometimes, but other times I just crash hard. I have been doing some major reflecting on myself and it's like I have mini breakthroughs and think I know what I need to do to feel better, but then it doesn't help or something else comes up. I am going to see a counselor and try to get on meds if I have to so I don't get worse. I can't live like this, and I can't bring anyone else down with me anymore either. The thing is, I know I am depressed, and extra sensitive, but I also don't like people telling me the reasoning behind my feelings are not legitimate. I might be over-sensitive, but that doesn't mean I am not really hurt by some things. I still feel the feelings, you know? I don't want people to walk around on egg shells around me, but I would like a fucking hug and I love you from time to time from my parents. I mean, yes I get it, we had a wedding and holidays and people are busy. I am not asking for much, I don't need daily hourly conversations, but it would help me I am sure to be affirmed daily that I am loved and cared for. I am not just another person in the world who is just out there breathing. It hurts that I am hurting so much, and everyone can sit around and talk to each other about it, but no one wants to talk to me about it. It's just too awkward or is too much of a downer I guess. I am mainly talking about my family here, minus Theresa who has listening way too much I bet. She says my family is concerned, but yet no one has even asked me about it. Cmon, since when does a depressed person have to walk up to their mom and be like, "I just want you to tell me that you love me and let me cry to you". God. Annoying. But then again, that's depressed Liz, annoyed by everything and everyone. I really wonder how long I have been depressed and all too. I have been pushing people away, and yet searching for love for way too long. I spent my whole relationship with Josh trying to get him to love me, and even now we are broken up and I STILL get frustrated that he doesn't care more about me. Why?! What is my friggin problem? I don't want to go out with him, understand we are not meant for each other, but still want him to think I am a great person sincerely. I have to get to the bottom of my issues, and that is why I am going to go see someone. I am getting worse by the day and panicking about the stupidest shit. Break is hard because my routine is out the window and I am surrounded by sentimental holiday crap. Plus I am BORED. I am not going to go kill myself so do not fret, but I just have a lot on my mind. I feel like I am on the verge of a mental breakdown or an epiphany so I just need to make sure I end up with the right one.
So, yeah, that being said...Christmas Eve/today have been fine. Nothing too special. I have been trying to keep busy, doing dishes and stuff so that I don't ruin Christmas by thinking too much. I got a duffle bag and money and some other stocking stuffer type stuff for Christmas. Plus, Grandma got me some Sex in the City DVDs that Theresa said she'd like, so apparently that means all three of us wanted that but whatever.
Oh and we picked up Josh in Chicago because it was cheaper(well, long story) and visited Joe. It was way too short of a visit with him. We met up with Jess and Jesse and Brian Plank and Kyle Petersen and a few others downtown. It was fun, also too short and not nearly as drunk as it should have been. As me, Josh, and Theresa were about to head out of Madison, I was pulling into a Speedway to get gas and literally slid into another car that was waiting to pull out. There was nothing I could do, tried pumping the breaks and everything. I didn't get a ticket because the cop was being nice and listed it as happening on private property. I was NOT going too fast, it was just a weather thing, but dammit. Just another reason why 2009 blows. I cannot wait to see shitfaced on New Year's Eve and just try to have a better 2010. I know it won't be like all of my problems disappear between Dec. 31st and Jan 1st but it might just help my mindset. Gah.
Sorry to be a downer post, if you made it to the end congrats. I hope everyone else had a realllllly great Christmas and I hope to see lots of people on New Year's. Feel free to leave me some encouragement and love. I know "this too shall pass" but that doesn't make it easier, and things don't just get better on their own so I am just working hard to be happy again. Whew.
Maybe I should jot down some 2010 goals...
- be healthy again - work out more and eat better, get back on track
- Leave school at school
- Be a good friend
- Save money and pay off car/credit card
- Find a hobby or personal interest
- Read more books
- Call home more and be a better daughter/sister
Probably have a ton more, but let's stick to that right now to be realistic and positive.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
Well, first I guess I should make a list of things worthwhile to comment on. Then I will go back and take a stab at the post.
- My students who were shot
- Doc's party/Hastings
- Pat and Erin's Wedding
- My concert
- Kristin Wood's unfortunate passing
- Becky's engagement and graduation
- Owatonna visit
- Christmas Eve/Christmas
AND I am sure much more....
So my students who were shot....they are doing much "better" I guess you could say. Destiny got to spend the last two days before break back in school. What a miracle. She was the one shot in the back of the skull. Originally we were all worried about her recovery in regards to her voice, jaw and tongue. All are healing very fast, and she seems to talk just fine. I was so happy to finally see her back at school. She was for sure very popular that day and was enjoying it too. Donte will be in the hospital for awhile yet I take it. He was paralyzed from the waist UP and that was so odd. He started to be able to wiggle his fingers and can feel the nurses rub his arms over the last couple of weeks. Thank GOD! So while his recovery is going to be a slow one, it is also still a miracle that he survived being shot in the face, and having it go in so far as to hit or traumatize his spinal chord. I burned them a few CDs, hope they liked them. Their mom is doing fine as well. They all will have major emotional trauma to deal with, but I guess I won't find much out about that process for the time being. I can only be happy for their physical recovery at this point. I wonder how the holidays have been for them and the whole family(minus scumbag Dad who is now in jail).
Doc's Party was alright, of course slightly awkward being that I am so far removed from his studio. I mean, really I just wanted to see Doc after all that happened that week at school and stuff. It was good to see him, but I wish we had more time to talk. It was also weird to think about last year's party when me and Josh got engaged and announced it at his party. Ah well. The cider was good and hot, and Mrs. Doc's prizes were entertaining as usual. The Hastings party was ridiculous on my behalf - or the Soules sisters in general. We got really drunk and flew around the party like we were bowling balls of destruction. It was good to see the few people I knew, and apparently talk to a bunch of people I should have known/recognized but didn't? Anyways, maybe too much to drink and some bruises found in the morning pretty much sums it up.
Pat and Erin's wedding was nice. I know that a winter wedding isn't what I would choose for myself, but it was great for them. Everything was very pretty and nicely decorated. The service was short and sweet. I am unbelievably happy for Pat and Erin. They have waited for a long time for that day and it went very well. Yahooo. They looked great and we had fun, minus a few fire alarms going off(some kid I guess did the first one - then I think they were just messed up). I was slightly disappointed that we were usherettes and yet it felt like we were not part of the wedding party at all. NOW, let me set this straight, I don't care if I am in the wedding party or not, but don't make a big deal of being an usherette and then pay no attention and have us sit on our asses the whole rehearsal and pictures, etc. Seriously, taking off school Friday was so pointless. Whatever though, not really anyone's fault, just irritating. The rehearsal dinner was also nice by the way. I was sort of mad at Mom for some stupid crap that made it a awkward and stressful weekend in a way unfortunately. Can't really explain or comment more on that...not enough time.
So on the way home from the wedding weekend we got a call from Becky informing us that Kristin was in a coma. It was quite a shock, and I think Theresa and I had NO IDEA how to comprehend what had already happened and what could happen next. We cried some, but not to the extent we felt was necessary. It just was all so confusing. Well Monday we got another call from Lindsay telling us that Kristin didn't make it. Still...confusing and in shock. We cried some more but I would say that it did not hit us until we were almost to Kristin's visitation on Friday night. It's like a sick feeling came over us, it's really happening. We stood in line for a long time and about 15-20 minutes before we got to her family and the casket we realized that it was open. Now, I have never ever been to an open casket funeral. This caused some panic in me. It was very hard to see her like that. I mean, they did a "good job"(what does that even mean?) but she just didn't look the same either. It was difficult, that's all I can really say. In a weird way, after I looked I couldn't stop and it made it more real to all of us. We could finally start to grieve. So strange, someone that young should not just suddenly die. Her funeral was also hard the next morning, lots of crying. I guess it was good to see the people that were there Friday and Saturday even though the reason wasn't a good one, and it makes you want to tell everyone you love that you love them. I am going to continue to be thinking of Kristin and her family, especially this holiday season, as well as Lindsay and her high school friend Erin. I just don't know what else to say about the whole thing.
So the day after Kristin's death I had my concert. Now this was a big to-do more because I had to hold all of the 4/5 grade students after school until the concert for a big party thing so ensure attendance. They got to sign up for different rooms and we had a snack/recess after school and pizza for dinner, etc. It was a lot of organizing, but I have to say it went really well with hardly any problems. It was great to be so busy at a sad time like that in a way too. I learned some things that will help future events such as this go even better, and the actual concert part went alright too. I have really high expectations and was working on this for so long that it is hard to sit back and enjoy and recognize the product even after it's done. I still find myself annoyed that they rushed here, or were TALKING a lot, or that a bunch of kids were pouting and not singing. I just have to remind myself that they did a good job, I did a great job, and this whole job and school is not easy. What I did for/with them, is not something that they have had in the past. I am really looking forward to the Spring concert now, with the whole school. I already have a bunch of ideas written down(I know - Type A). It was also interesting to show my family and some other people the video and see what they had to say. Seems like everyone is "impressed", for lack of a better word, in the diversity at my school. I think I give off the vibe that it is all African American kids, but really I have 61% African American. I have a lot of Asian, Hispanic, Middle Eastern, and Caucasian kids as well. When you look at my concert, there is a WIDE variety of skin color and appearances. I think to me, the African American presence is just so strong when I think of my school because their general tendencies are to be loud, outgoing, and are so different that the way I grew up. I have also been learning so much through my school's grant for African American education that I guess it seems so prevalent. Anyways...
SO late congrats online to Becky and Rick on their engagement. We all knew it was coming(Becky included) but that doesn't mean that it wasn't still a very happy moment. I am sooooo happy for the both of them. They are great for each other, make each other happy, bring out the best in each other, and love each other so much. Rick was sweet about how he did it, and if I could bottle up the happiness we heard in Becky's voice and drink it for breakfast every morning I would be a much happier person. I can't wait to see how the wedding plans start going, and look so so so forward to their wedding. I am also proud of Becky's graduating from UWEC, seems strange that none of us are there anymore. It was not like school was easy for Becky, and she put up with a lot of pressure from people, and pulled through to get what she deserved, a college degree. I often felt bad that Theresa and I fit in so well with our major and had a clear idea from day one of what we wanted out of college. She didn't and I think it shows a lot of strength to keep going like she did. Good job Becky, hope you get a job that fits you well too!
Wednesday I drove to Owatonna to visit my old colleagues and kids. It was interesting. I could not believe that the kids I saw at Lincoln and Washington recognized me right away. They gave me lots of hugs and it was really nice. I mean, I am not going to lie....some of them were like "oh yeah...forgot about you" type of look but that's fine. Hell, I couldn't remember hardly any names of them, and I'd see them and be shocked I forgot about them. They look so much older too already, in 6 months how weird. It was good to see Kathy and Sue, as well as Nancy(art teacher) and some other people. We went to Plaza Moreno and talked for awhile, basically about me and my job/life. I felt like it was a big sob story for me, but really I am just having a really hard time and they know it. It was nice to feel supported, and like the way I am feeling lately doesn't make me crazy. I was so lucky I fit in so well last year, and clicked with my colleagues, regardless of age. I guess, that's what I have been missing a lot this year at Falk. It was a hard drive in, very emotional for some reason. Hard to drive near the cities, hard to drive by Lakeville, hard to drive into and around Owatonna. It made me miss my life last year a ton, and the routine and comfort in it. In another way, it was better on the way back because I guess I was feeling slightly hopeful that I am going to get help and someday be happy again.
OK, so while this is turning into how unhappy I am I guess I should write briefly on that. I am depressed, so totally depressed lately. For the last few months I guess, and getting pretty bad. I mean, I feel just hopeless, worthless, bitchy, tired, sad, and dark. I am fine sometimes, but other times I just crash hard. I have been doing some major reflecting on myself and it's like I have mini breakthroughs and think I know what I need to do to feel better, but then it doesn't help or something else comes up. I am going to see a counselor and try to get on meds if I have to so I don't get worse. I can't live like this, and I can't bring anyone else down with me anymore either. The thing is, I know I am depressed, and extra sensitive, but I also don't like people telling me the reasoning behind my feelings are not legitimate. I might be over-sensitive, but that doesn't mean I am not really hurt by some things. I still feel the feelings, you know? I don't want people to walk around on egg shells around me, but I would like a fucking hug and I love you from time to time from my parents. I mean, yes I get it, we had a wedding and holidays and people are busy. I am not asking for much, I don't need daily hourly conversations, but it would help me I am sure to be affirmed daily that I am loved and cared for. I am not just another person in the world who is just out there breathing. It hurts that I am hurting so much, and everyone can sit around and talk to each other about it, but no one wants to talk to me about it. It's just too awkward or is too much of a downer I guess. I am mainly talking about my family here, minus Theresa who has listening way too much I bet. She says my family is concerned, but yet no one has even asked me about it. Cmon, since when does a depressed person have to walk up to their mom and be like, "I just want you to tell me that you love me and let me cry to you". God. Annoying. But then again, that's depressed Liz, annoyed by everything and everyone. I really wonder how long I have been depressed and all too. I have been pushing people away, and yet searching for love for way too long. I spent my whole relationship with Josh trying to get him to love me, and even now we are broken up and I STILL get frustrated that he doesn't care more about me. Why?! What is my friggin problem? I don't want to go out with him, understand we are not meant for each other, but still want him to think I am a great person sincerely. I have to get to the bottom of my issues, and that is why I am going to go see someone. I am getting worse by the day and panicking about the stupidest shit. Break is hard because my routine is out the window and I am surrounded by sentimental holiday crap. Plus I am BORED. I am not going to go kill myself so do not fret, but I just have a lot on my mind. I feel like I am on the verge of a mental breakdown or an epiphany so I just need to make sure I end up with the right one.
So, yeah, that being said...Christmas Eve/today have been fine. Nothing too special. I have been trying to keep busy, doing dishes and stuff so that I don't ruin Christmas by thinking too much. I got a duffle bag and money and some other stocking stuffer type stuff for Christmas. Plus, Grandma got me some Sex in the City DVDs that Theresa said she'd like, so apparently that means all three of us wanted that but whatever.
Oh and we picked up Josh in Chicago because it was cheaper(well, long story) and visited Joe. It was way too short of a visit with him. We met up with Jess and Jesse and Brian Plank and Kyle Petersen and a few others downtown. It was fun, also too short and not nearly as drunk as it should have been. As me, Josh, and Theresa were about to head out of Madison, I was pulling into a Speedway to get gas and literally slid into another car that was waiting to pull out. There was nothing I could do, tried pumping the breaks and everything. I didn't get a ticket because the cop was being nice and listed it as happening on private property. I was NOT going too fast, it was just a weather thing, but dammit. Just another reason why 2009 blows. I cannot wait to see shitfaced on New Year's Eve and just try to have a better 2010. I know it won't be like all of my problems disappear between Dec. 31st and Jan 1st but it might just help my mindset. Gah.
Sorry to be a downer post, if you made it to the end congrats. I hope everyone else had a realllllly great Christmas and I hope to see lots of people on New Year's. Feel free to leave me some encouragement and love. I know "this too shall pass" but that doesn't make it easier, and things don't just get better on their own so I am just working hard to be happy again. Whew.
Maybe I should jot down some 2010 goals...
- be healthy again - work out more and eat better, get back on track
- Leave school at school
- Be a good friend
- Save money and pay off car/credit card
- Find a hobby or personal interest
- Read more books
- Call home more and be a better daughter/sister
Probably have a ton more, but let's stick to that right now to be realistic and positive.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
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