Here I sit, another week has gone by. I haven't wanted to blog lately, perhaps it's too much work, and also I just don't know how much of my feelings I can really articulate, let alone in a public blog. I guess I will try because it might make me feel better...
so...where to start...Homecoming. It was alright. It always feels good to get out and do something different, and see different people, etc. I found myself just feeling depressed after the weekend though. I mean, not like cut yourself and want to commit suicide, but I just feel lost. I do not have any friends. I know a lot of people, and I am surface friends with them, but really no one that I was dying to see. The subject of friends is a touchy subject with me currently. On one hand, I want friends because I want to talk to people, laugh, and all that. At the same time, everyone annoys me here(besides Theresa) and I feel like my opportunity to be close friends with many people in EC has passed. It can be really hard now that I realize how much Josh and I shared and talked. In no way am I saying I regret my decision, but it does suck to lose a friend. Even though we are "friends" it will never be the same. Most of the people I know from EC were more friends with Becky and mostly Theresa(social butterfly). Unfortunately, I have been getting way down on myself lately because I feel like this is all my fault for being a "homebody" and a bit of a bitch? I don't know. I guess I just never saw the value of being fake with people and pretending to care about stupid shit just to fit in. Maybe that costed me some friends. I also was always stretched thin as far as being busy, and lord knows I love my "me time", even if it is just sitting around being lazy. If I was not down here with Theresa I have no clue how I would be surviving. And the worst thing is when everyone tries to tell me that it's some adjustment and all just relating to change. I've gone through changes, I have been in new places with new people, and I have always been fine. I am also not saying that it has nothing to do with it, but I just don't want to hear the generic shit I guess.
It's really been bugging me, also, that my family seems to not even care if I exist. All drama aside, I really do wonder if my parents ever think about me. It is how I honestly feel to say that I know they assume since I am with Theresa that I am fine. I love a big family, but fuck I just want some attention sometimes. I know that they love me and care about me so much. I just wish they knew how to make the time to show it. BUT then I wonder, do I make the time to show THEM?...I just don't know. I have only talked to my parents 4 times since August 29th and each time it's for a few minutes it feels like. I know I could talk more if I made the effort to call them, but it just feels like I am bothering them. I cannot stand when I am talking to Mom and she is having side conversations with my little siblings. "Oh Scott, can you pick that up?" That type of shit. I know she hates that it happens sometimes too, but I just don't understand why she won't email me, or call me when she has a chance, even late at night. At the same time, I have nothing to say to my parents really. I could talk and talk and talk about my job, but I've learned that no one wants to hear it. Well, I shouldn't say it that way, but I also know that there are so many things going through my head regarding school that I don't know where to begin and so I tend to just not talk about it. It's weird that Theresa talks more about her subbing jobs than I talk about my job. The weekend before homecoming we were home and not 5 minutes after we walked in the door, mom and dad went to Eau Claire for the day to get shit for the cabin. That's all they care about, I swear. It just felt like a slap in the face. We tried to just use it as an opportunity to spend time with the little kids, but it would be nice to feel a connection to my own parents again. See? I shouldn't have even tried to write about this heavy stuff. It's making me sound like a melodramatic baby. So I will continue!
My job is not horrible, I repeat, not horrible. I don't want people to think I hate Falk. I really like having a job, I enjoy working with these kids. While there are behavior problems, I still feel a strong desire to be an advocate for each student, and help them be successful in school and out. If I leave next year, I really would miss these kids too. It's more that I feel like the school is not as fulfilling. The teachers don't collaborate enough, pretend things are great when they are not, and they just settle for what they think is enough. I am just so opposite of that mindset that it drives me crazy. I want to get things done, come up with new ideas, make the best of every situation, and all of the typical stuff. I just don't relate to any of the staff there well at this point. I have a people I talk to, and they are very very nice, but I can't say I think that they "get" me. I WISH I WAS IN OWATONNA. I was just in the ideal place for me, only to not be able to be back there. I am learning a lot here, and it will make me a better teacher. I just try to challenge myself, recognize my hard work, and do the very best I can for my kids. It's fricken exhausting. I am really bonding with some kids. I am also getting into sorting through the room, and making it my own.
Alright, enough bitching. This morning I kind of strained a muscle or something. The middle of my back, kind of where my bar is, is just really sore and tight. I made it through the day, but it got progressively worse. I laid down with my heating pad and took some IBprofen after school. I think it feels a little better. We are now watching Wheel of Fortune, having a typical Soules sister night. I have a little stuff to do for school, but I think we will be watching Edward scissorhands later.
I think I am going to go to the dentist for a cleaning, and ask them about my wisdom teeth again. I mean, I keep biting my cheek in the back and it's getting ridiculous. My dentist in Lakeville had a theory that if he pulled them out my cheeks would just adjust and more or less sink into the next teeth anyways, meaning I'd still bite them. At the time it made sense, and I didn't want to have to pay to remove them. Now, it seems a little silly and I would set up a payment plan if I could stop biting my teeth. PLUS, I think I bite my tongue/cheek in my sleep and clench my jaw. I don't know. I really don't think I could sleep with a mouthguard though. I know Chelsea sleeps with one, but knowing me and my clausterphobia I think it would be bad.
Ok, long story short, I am feeling like empty and lonely and crappy lately, but I do not want advice or fake put-ups. Thanks "friends".
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This isn't advice - we're going through the EXACT same thing. At Rice, I don't have any friends. I haven't been able to connect with these people here because they're SO different personality-wise and they go about their ensemble experiences/practicing in the same way as your colleagues do with their teaching. It feels like that I work so hard that people are resenting me for it. I had someone I was friends with here, but he won a job with the Honolulu Symphony, so you have an advantage with Theresa - which is awesome. I've been trying to fit in, but sleeping in late, bitching about how other people suck, not working very hard, avoiding alcohol and going out, and dungeons and dragons aren't my style. I've heard the same thing that its part of life and its a transition - I've never had a transition that was as awful as this experience was initially (it's a lot better, but I'm no more than content.) Thanks for sharing, makes me feel a lot more like I'm not crazy. I've slowly started to be more content with here, and I hope things become more tolerable for you, too. Take it easy.
ReplyDeleteI feel very similar in many ways. I know we've talked about it, but even just reading this was like, "Yep....sums up my life" Especially the stuff about mom and dad. That hurts like crazy when I let my mind go there and I always hate feeling like that because like you said, we know they love us. Its just that every time Rick's mom calls him or I hear someone talking to their parents on the phone in Haas or something, I get really emotional about it. I seem to always get the "I'm in walmart/aldi, so I better go." Or even worse "well, I'll let you go" when really it's "I want to go."
ReplyDeleteI also feel the same way as far as friends. I have Rick and I'm soooo greatful. AND I have you and Theresa and it's amazing. BUT as far as here, in EC....I've completely alienating myself it seems from friends. I feel like people remember liking "us", so they're nice to me - but there's no real connections or anything. I feel dumb because I'm also the one choosing to stay home instead of going out, but what people need to understand is MY LIFE IS BUSY right now. Oh well....I could go on and on, but I have to plug more money in the meter and get to class!
I'm not even going to say "hang in there" or anything like that, because I just know how you feel and it won't help. I say we all just take it one day at a time and hope it is a phase of life. Bah.
Love you.
-Becky
PS. Hi Becker!
I admitt it! I was guilty of saying this is a "transition", but for the most part...I really think it is. Just out of a relationship, new job, new town, no friends, new life, starting over in some aspects...sounds like the definition of transition to me. I think all your feelings are justified and I don't know if it will get better, but chances are almost %100 that it will sometime. My relationship with my parents is different so I can't say "just call them". I talk to mine everyday and it's usually because they call me because they know I am the only one that will pick up :) And literally from my experiences trying to call my brothers...I am the only one who picks up. Aren't you getting together with some of the new teachers tonight? If so, good luck and have fun! p.s. I have a pack of treats primed for New Years.... Am. Spirits! Boop Boop Boop.
ReplyDeleteI'm kind of in the same boat as you guys, too. After two years, I have a ton of acquaintances, but not a lot of really close friends. I'm lucky to have Austin, and I have a couple other friends from back home that I see every now and then, but nobody else that I'd consider close. I had two close friends in my program, but one of them just graduated & moved away, and the other sort of moved on to a different social circle (which, admittedly, fits him better). I get along well with all of the people in my program, but we all have totally different interests, so we usually don't hang out. Also, most of the people I know here are men. I really miss having close girl friends nearby!
ReplyDeleteLiz, I don't know you as well as your sisters, probably because I didn't see you as often. But I still consider you a good friend! :) I have lots of fun memories with you (haha, V-ball!) and I hope there are lots more to come. I've actually been thinking about you lately because I just started teaching basic music theory to freshmen. Most of my students know a lot of the stuff already, but some of them don't know how to read music and don't know anything about key signatures or time signatures. Don't kids usually learn that stuff in elementary school music classes? I wonder if their schools didn't have elementary music programs... :/
Wow, lots of folks have opinions on the matter. :) I just wanted to say that I felt better after I read your blog. I always thought I was the only person who felt alone and friendless. The things you were saying in your blog are EXACTLY what I've felt throughout lots of college and especially this year. I have always looked at you and your sisters and said 'wow, those guys have so many friends that they'll have forever.' I never dreamed you'd feel this way.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you should feel so alone; you've got wonderful siblings and a job that is great! You also have many more friends than you think you have. Hang tight and you'll feel better soon.
With love,
R