November already!

Well, lots to update? I guess so anyways...

Convention was alright, not really worth all the money but thankfully we live in town so that helps. I am glad I experienced it finally too. I got a few really great ideas for school. I really liked watching the guy who taught the sessions on Middle Eastern and African American music. I mean, it always seems like it is harder for me to catch on to learning songs in a different language and everyone else seems to get it after one run through. I always felt that way after Orff and Kodaly workshops last year too. He was really good though, and I am always in awe of good teachers, and just picture what their classes must be like. I think my favorite session was the one on improvisation in the elementary music class. I guess it is one of those things I had the least experience with, as far as the elements go. I also liked realizing that some of the things I already do, with vocal exploration for example, really are a form of improvisation. With kids it is all about basic stuff, so it's not like improvising with a jazz band. They can just make up a 4 beat response to nonsense words/syllables. Anyways, rant.

We all went to Essenhaus Thursday night. By all, I mean Ashley, Lauren, Theresa, Rick, Justina, her bf, and me. It was unexpectedly fun. We drank too much I am sure, and made asses of ourselves. BUT I enjoyed Rick so much that night, holy hilarious. It was a fun place, not too cheap but worth the experience. I'd consider going there again if we ever have more visitors.

Halloween - I had some really fun times and I was also disappointed a bunch. State street is way too crazy. It was fun to see the funny costumes. We had a lot of fun getting ready and before we left for State St. Then it was just too crowded and we had to wait forever to get a drink, get into a bar, or go to the bathroom so I was more or less sober when we got back to the apartment. Then me and Becky and Theresa and Rick slept in my room/closet and at least ended the night laughing at stupid shit. Again, Rick was a blast.

The next morning we went to Perkins and I didn't realize Errin and her friends were leaving straight from there, or I wouldn't have left after I paid my bill. Truth is, I was just really emotional(yet again) and felt sad that Yakob wouldn't just meet us for 5 minutes. I just miss MY friends, and I don't have many. I was bummed that Joe and Stephanie couldn't make it, Errin brought friends and was off with them, and Yakob stood me up. It was just disappointing because I have felt so sad, lonely, and depressed lately. I wanted it to be a good time.

Wednesday night as everyone was starting to get in, I got a call from Dennis. We talked for about 1hr and I kept trying to get off the phone because we had people arriving and stuff. He just kept talking, and we clearly have so much to catch up on so I told him to call me again. SO, he called 15 minutes later and we talked a bit more. It was just...weird? I mean, I love talking to Dennis. He's a great guy, and we've always been able to talk easily. Since I've been so lonely it was nice to talk to someone I felt really knew me, but at the same time disappointing because I feel like he is going off getting married and settling for a half-ass relationship. I've always felt that way about them, and it could be the circumstances that we broke up and he started dating her right away. They've been together more or less ever since, but I do know that she cheated on him a few years ago and they broke up for a bit. I feel like he took her back because of comfort or something. I just never think cheating is okay, ever. Everyone has their experiences and their beliefs but I just don't know how it gets that far. Anyways, who knows I told him I'd love to talk more often, but it'll probably be another few months. I don't want to call him and have Kristin get pissed. Geh.

Justina met her boyfriend, who was awesome btw, on match.com. Maybe I should go on there, cripes. I miss being close to someone and want to move on with my life, but it just doesn't feel right anyways. I know that might just be because I haven't met anyone lately who I would ever be interested in. I don't know, I have just been flat out depressed. I feel like crying all the time, and lately I have been. I just don't know if I am that depressed or if my hormones are messed up or what. I just feel alone, and like no one cares about me, and like I've lost anything good in my life.

Job is still okay, but I am consistently disappointed in that no other staff care to make me feel welcome, besides the librarian and art teacher. I am getting all of my things together for my 4th/5th grade concert in December. I hope I pull it off alright. I left school after lunch today because I was feeling kind of sick last night and asked the retired music teacher if she'd be interested in subbing for me if I didn't feel better. She could only do the afternoon so I guess that's what I asked her to do. I could have stayed all day, but let's face it I needed a mental health afternoon. I would take tomorrow off for more mental health, but we have staff development and knowing my luck my sickness would kick into full force in a few days when I need to actually be gone.

I just don't think I can describe how I feel lately. Not to be a downer, but I thought it would pass. I find myself so sensitive, emotional, and drained. I feel like Josh is completely shutting me out of his life. If that's what he wants, whatever. I am just disappointed because I thought we could be friends. This is what I did to him at points this summer, but I was mad and dealing with a fresh wound. Now, I just wonder if he is flat over it all, or mad at me, or in love with another person or what. I just feel like a major retard trying to talk to him, because it feels one-sided and like he is so uninterested in my life, along with everyone else. So the death of our regular friendship has been hard on me. It will never be normal again.

I just don't know. I JUST DON'T KNOW! Please don't comment, I only find it awkward. (although I appreciated MOST of the other comments on my last post on friends).