Merry Christmas

OK, I know it has been almost a month. I am procrastinating so hard core. Ugh, I am just THAT bored that I am long over-due blogging on Christmas.

Well, first I guess I should make a list of things worthwhile to comment on. Then I will go back and take a stab at the post.
- My students who were shot
- Doc's party/Hastings
- Pat and Erin's Wedding
- My concert
- Kristin Wood's unfortunate passing
- Becky's engagement and graduation
- Owatonna visit
- Christmas Eve/Christmas

AND I am sure much more....

So my students who were shot....they are doing much "better" I guess you could say. Destiny got to spend the last two days before break back in school. What a miracle. She was the one shot in the back of the skull. Originally we were all worried about her recovery in regards to her voice, jaw and tongue. All are healing very fast, and she seems to talk just fine. I was so happy to finally see her back at school. She was for sure very popular that day and was enjoying it too. Donte will be in the hospital for awhile yet I take it. He was paralyzed from the waist UP and that was so odd. He started to be able to wiggle his fingers and can feel the nurses rub his arms over the last couple of weeks. Thank GOD! So while his recovery is going to be a slow one, it is also still a miracle that he survived being shot in the face, and having it go in so far as to hit or traumatize his spinal chord. I burned them a few CDs, hope they liked them. Their mom is doing fine as well. They all will have major emotional trauma to deal with, but I guess I won't find much out about that process for the time being. I can only be happy for their physical recovery at this point. I wonder how the holidays have been for them and the whole family(minus scumbag Dad who is now in jail).

Doc's Party was alright, of course slightly awkward being that I am so far removed from his studio. I mean, really I just wanted to see Doc after all that happened that week at school and stuff. It was good to see him, but I wish we had more time to talk. It was also weird to think about last year's party when me and Josh got engaged and announced it at his party. Ah well. The cider was good and hot, and Mrs. Doc's prizes were entertaining as usual. The Hastings party was ridiculous on my behalf - or the Soules sisters in general. We got really drunk and flew around the party like we were bowling balls of destruction. It was good to see the few people I knew, and apparently talk to a bunch of people I should have known/recognized but didn't? Anyways, maybe too much to drink and some bruises found in the morning pretty much sums it up.

Pat and Erin's wedding was nice. I know that a winter wedding isn't what I would choose for myself, but it was great for them. Everything was very pretty and nicely decorated. The service was short and sweet. I am unbelievably happy for Pat and Erin. They have waited for a long time for that day and it went very well. Yahooo. They looked great and we had fun, minus a few fire alarms going off(some kid I guess did the first one - then I think they were just messed up). I was slightly disappointed that we were usherettes and yet it felt like we were not part of the wedding party at all. NOW, let me set this straight, I don't care if I am in the wedding party or not, but don't make a big deal of being an usherette and then pay no attention and have us sit on our asses the whole rehearsal and pictures, etc. Seriously, taking off school Friday was so pointless. Whatever though, not really anyone's fault, just irritating. The rehearsal dinner was also nice by the way. I was sort of mad at Mom for some stupid crap that made it a awkward and stressful weekend in a way unfortunately. Can't really explain or comment more on that...not enough time.

So on the way home from the wedding weekend we got a call from Becky informing us that Kristin was in a coma. It was quite a shock, and I think Theresa and I had NO IDEA how to comprehend what had already happened and what could happen next. We cried some, but not to the extent we felt was necessary. It just was all so confusing. Well Monday we got another call from Lindsay telling us that Kristin didn't make it. Still...confusing and in shock. We cried some more but I would say that it did not hit us until we were almost to Kristin's visitation on Friday night. It's like a sick feeling came over us, it's really happening. We stood in line for a long time and about 15-20 minutes before we got to her family and the casket we realized that it was open. Now, I have never ever been to an open casket funeral. This caused some panic in me. It was very hard to see her like that. I mean, they did a "good job"(what does that even mean?) but she just didn't look the same either. It was difficult, that's all I can really say. In a weird way, after I looked I couldn't stop and it made it more real to all of us. We could finally start to grieve. So strange, someone that young should not just suddenly die. Her funeral was also hard the next morning, lots of crying. I guess it was good to see the people that were there Friday and Saturday even though the reason wasn't a good one, and it makes you want to tell everyone you love that you love them. I am going to continue to be thinking of Kristin and her family, especially this holiday season, as well as Lindsay and her high school friend Erin. I just don't know what else to say about the whole thing.

So the day after Kristin's death I had my concert. Now this was a big to-do more because I had to hold all of the 4/5 grade students after school until the concert for a big party thing so ensure attendance. They got to sign up for different rooms and we had a snack/recess after school and pizza for dinner, etc. It was a lot of organizing, but I have to say it went really well with hardly any problems. It was great to be so busy at a sad time like that in a way too. I learned some things that will help future events such as this go even better, and the actual concert part went alright too. I have really high expectations and was working on this for so long that it is hard to sit back and enjoy and recognize the product even after it's done. I still find myself annoyed that they rushed here, or were TALKING a lot, or that a bunch of kids were pouting and not singing. I just have to remind myself that they did a good job, I did a great job, and this whole job and school is not easy. What I did for/with them, is not something that they have had in the past. I am really looking forward to the Spring concert now, with the whole school. I already have a bunch of ideas written down(I know - Type A). It was also interesting to show my family and some other people the video and see what they had to say. Seems like everyone is "impressed", for lack of a better word, in the diversity at my school. I think I give off the vibe that it is all African American kids, but really I have 61% African American. I have a lot of Asian, Hispanic, Middle Eastern, and Caucasian kids as well. When you look at my concert, there is a WIDE variety of skin color and appearances. I think to me, the African American presence is just so strong when I think of my school because their general tendencies are to be loud, outgoing, and are so different that the way I grew up. I have also been learning so much through my school's grant for African American education that I guess it seems so prevalent. Anyways...

SO late congrats online to Becky and Rick on their engagement. We all knew it was coming(Becky included) but that doesn't mean that it wasn't still a very happy moment. I am sooooo happy for the both of them. They are great for each other, make each other happy, bring out the best in each other, and love each other so much. Rick was sweet about how he did it, and if I could bottle up the happiness we heard in Becky's voice and drink it for breakfast every morning I would be a much happier person. I can't wait to see how the wedding plans start going, and look so so so forward to their wedding. I am also proud of Becky's graduating from UWEC, seems strange that none of us are there anymore. It was not like school was easy for Becky, and she put up with a lot of pressure from people, and pulled through to get what she deserved, a college degree. I often felt bad that Theresa and I fit in so well with our major and had a clear idea from day one of what we wanted out of college. She didn't and I think it shows a lot of strength to keep going like she did. Good job Becky, hope you get a job that fits you well too!

Wednesday I drove to Owatonna to visit my old colleagues and kids. It was interesting. I could not believe that the kids I saw at Lincoln and Washington recognized me right away. They gave me lots of hugs and it was really nice. I mean, I am not going to lie....some of them were like "oh yeah...forgot about you" type of look but that's fine. Hell, I couldn't remember hardly any names of them, and I'd see them and be shocked I forgot about them. They look so much older too already, in 6 months how weird. It was good to see Kathy and Sue, as well as Nancy(art teacher) and some other people. We went to Plaza Moreno and talked for awhile, basically about me and my job/life. I felt like it was a big sob story for me, but really I am just having a really hard time and they know it. It was nice to feel supported, and like the way I am feeling lately doesn't make me crazy. I was so lucky I fit in so well last year, and clicked with my colleagues, regardless of age. I guess, that's what I have been missing a lot this year at Falk. It was a hard drive in, very emotional for some reason. Hard to drive near the cities, hard to drive by Lakeville, hard to drive into and around Owatonna. It made me miss my life last year a ton, and the routine and comfort in it. In another way, it was better on the way back because I guess I was feeling slightly hopeful that I am going to get help and someday be happy again.

OK, so while this is turning into how unhappy I am I guess I should write briefly on that. I am depressed, so totally depressed lately. For the last few months I guess, and getting pretty bad. I mean, I feel just hopeless, worthless, bitchy, tired, sad, and dark. I am fine sometimes, but other times I just crash hard. I have been doing some major reflecting on myself and it's like I have mini breakthroughs and think I know what I need to do to feel better, but then it doesn't help or something else comes up. I am going to see a counselor and try to get on meds if I have to so I don't get worse. I can't live like this, and I can't bring anyone else down with me anymore either. The thing is, I know I am depressed, and extra sensitive, but I also don't like people telling me the reasoning behind my feelings are not legitimate. I might be over-sensitive, but that doesn't mean I am not really hurt by some things. I still feel the feelings, you know? I don't want people to walk around on egg shells around me, but I would like a fucking hug and I love you from time to time from my parents. I mean, yes I get it, we had a wedding and holidays and people are busy. I am not asking for much, I don't need daily hourly conversations, but it would help me I am sure to be affirmed daily that I am loved and cared for. I am not just another person in the world who is just out there breathing. It hurts that I am hurting so much, and everyone can sit around and talk to each other about it, but no one wants to talk to me about it. It's just too awkward or is too much of a downer I guess. I am mainly talking about my family here, minus Theresa who has listening way too much I bet. She says my family is concerned, but yet no one has even asked me about it. Cmon, since when does a depressed person have to walk up to their mom and be like, "I just want you to tell me that you love me and let me cry to you". God. Annoying. But then again, that's depressed Liz, annoyed by everything and everyone. I really wonder how long I have been depressed and all too. I have been pushing people away, and yet searching for love for way too long. I spent my whole relationship with Josh trying to get him to love me, and even now we are broken up and I STILL get frustrated that he doesn't care more about me. Why?! What is my friggin problem? I don't want to go out with him, understand we are not meant for each other, but still want him to think I am a great person sincerely. I have to get to the bottom of my issues, and that is why I am going to go see someone. I am getting worse by the day and panicking about the stupidest shit. Break is hard because my routine is out the window and I am surrounded by sentimental holiday crap. Plus I am BORED. I am not going to go kill myself so do not fret, but I just have a lot on my mind. I feel like I am on the verge of a mental breakdown or an epiphany so I just need to make sure I end up with the right one.

So, yeah, that being said...Christmas Eve/today have been fine. Nothing too special. I have been trying to keep busy, doing dishes and stuff so that I don't ruin Christmas by thinking too much. I got a duffle bag and money and some other stocking stuffer type stuff for Christmas. Plus, Grandma got me some Sex in the City DVDs that Theresa said she'd like, so apparently that means all three of us wanted that but whatever.

Oh and we picked up Josh in Chicago because it was cheaper(well, long story) and visited Joe. It was way too short of a visit with him. We met up with Jess and Jesse and Brian Plank and Kyle Petersen and a few others downtown. It was fun, also too short and not nearly as drunk as it should have been. As me, Josh, and Theresa were about to head out of Madison, I was pulling into a Speedway to get gas and literally slid into another car that was waiting to pull out. There was nothing I could do, tried pumping the breaks and everything. I didn't get a ticket because the cop was being nice and listed it as happening on private property. I was NOT going too fast, it was just a weather thing, but dammit. Just another reason why 2009 blows. I cannot wait to see shitfaced on New Year's Eve and just try to have a better 2010. I know it won't be like all of my problems disappear between Dec. 31st and Jan 1st but it might just help my mindset. Gah.

Sorry to be a downer post, if you made it to the end congrats. I hope everyone else had a realllllly great Christmas and I hope to see lots of people on New Year's. Feel free to leave me some encouragement and love. I know "this too shall pass" but that doesn't make it easier, and things don't just get better on their own so I am just working hard to be happy again. Whew.

Maybe I should jot down some 2010 goals...
- be healthy again - work out more and eat better, get back on track
- Leave school at school
- Be a good friend
- Save money and pay off car/credit card
- Find a hobby or personal interest
- Read more books
- Call home more and be a better daughter/sister

Probably have a ton more, but let's stick to that right now to be realistic and positive.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!