Wow, it's February!

January flew by, I can't believe it. Lots has happened, but not much toooo special.

I am feeling WAY better since I last posted. I was getting so depressed and STRESS was the main factor. I talked with my family over break and that helped a lot. Then after coming back to Madison after break, things seemed different. I missed my kids from school, which made getting back into things easier. I felt like I had a new appreciation for them. I also talked with a counselor. It's not like she helped a ton, but I realized in talking to her what my biggest issue was...my career and life "plan". I have been so stressed out about the future, what will happen next year, and how things are going at Falk, etc. It's like as soon as I just let myself enjoy the present and take each day by each day, things just felt more comfortable. I think when I started at Falk it was so different that what I pictured my life being like. Let's back up, my former life plan was...get married, get a typical music job like Owatonna(a good program eventually or as soon as possible) and work my way into getting Kodaly certified, presenting on music ed at workshops, going to grad school, having a family, becoming a college professor, all with a certain kind of teaching philosophy. That philosophy was based on efficient, meaningful, and fun music education where I pushed kids, and had high expectations. My philosophy is still the same but there has been so much added to it, and in that way it has changed. In the beginning, at my new school I felt that the behaviors and challenges I was facing were interfering with the way I expected the kids to learn music. NOW, I have accepted and fully embraced a culturally relevant, and much more student life success type of philosophy. I have the same goals, but a much different way of getting there. Even learning about culturally relevant teaching in the beginning was like, "yeah yeah, what does that mean for me?". Now, I see the benefits and the importance. I have a huge heart, and I want to help kids. All kids need a good teacher, but I am seeing that my students here in Madison need so much more than my students in Owatonna(obviously a generalization, but still the truth). They need love, support, and someone who believes in them so much more. They are faced with far more every day challenges than I ever experienced. It was a huge can of worms to even open, and to be honest it scared the hell out of me. Once I realized that it was not so scary to just try small things here and there, and to overcome one issue at a time, I know that there is hope to help them. Also, no matter what we accomplish in regards to standards and achievement, it isn't hard to love every student. It makes me think back to what Doc Young had said his philosophy was, "Every student deserves a good music education and a teacher should be an advocate for all of their students". I thought to myself, "yeah, that's me too. I do that. I buy that." Only now do I realize how much I was missing, and that's not easy for someone so passionate about teaching to admit. I thought I was doing everything I knew was right, and was working my butt off. Now, I see things in a different light. I understand that no one is probably interested in this rant, but it feels good and is important for me to articulate. Going back to my old life plan, there has been obvious road blocks. I am no longer on track to be getting married and having kids. I know there isn't one path, and that life doesn't just roll out the way you expect it, but it was a lot to take in when you had expectations. My biggest problem is having these expectations, reflecting to a point where I am stuck on issues that can't be immediately solved(or I don't have the power to solve at this point in time) and I honestly just worry too much. I dwell on things I care a lot about. It's hard for me to live in the present and not be such a future thinker, it's my Existential Multiple Intelligence taking over me. That's what was good about talking to a professional. She helped me see how much I was worrying about things, letting it control my life. We also talked about a few ways to get around that, or ways to bring me back to reality. I keep forgetting to set up another appointment. I don't want to never go again and have the same tendencies pop up over time, but at the same time I am just grateful I got out of my huge slump. Also in regards to my life plan, I had been planning on a journey that took me to grad school, and getting my doctorate to teach college. I still think that's what I want to do, but I also have to accept that I really like teaching kids. I realllllly like teaching kids. I also realllllly like sharing what I've learned. So, I'll probably end up just teaching longer than I originally planned or something. Either way, I've just got to remind myself that there is no rush to decide what my future will bring. You never know anyways. I could die in a car accident or something awful, and I would have wasted years worrying about the future I never ended up getting. I am not saying I want that(yikes) but I am saying I have to remember how lucky I am right now, in February 2010. I have a great family. I have friends(even though I was thinking I didn't) and I also have 350 kids to love and help grow. I honestly don't even care about being single right now. I don't even want to think about a relationship right now, because what's the point? No one will be what I expect, something will just happen when I least expect it. I also still want to be healthy, but I've found myself not dwelling on my weight or appearance as much anymore too. I want to work out, eat better, and lose weight, and dress nice, and look good for myself. I still want that. BUT it's not at the point where I am beating myself up, putting myself down, wishing for big chances over night and feeling hopeless anymore. It's strange, how getting a mental grasp on something like my career, can make all other parts of my life seem better. I regret to say that I didn't even give the teachers at Falk a fair chance in the beginning as well. I had these expectations (there's that word again) of them and how I thought they should welcome and include me. In reality, many of them are really great, and HAVE in fact welcomed me. I was expecting them to read my mind. That was also the case with my parents when I felt so depressed too. I was expecting them to just know how I was feeling, and know how to make me feel better. It just wasn't fair to them. I know deep down my parents love me. I also know that no matter what they probably did, I would have felt like crap until I figured this all out on my own. I'm just glad I am figuring things out, slowly but surely. I'm getting there, and thank God!

I guess I could write about other things too. Hmmm, where to start?

Wow, New Year's was alright, long time ago. I got way too drunk. I felt so dehydrated the next day. My hands were tingling, and I got really sick after that too. It wasn't fun being sick, but oh well. It was nice to see friends, even though it never feels like you really get to catch up with people. You have fun, do the small talk, and move on. I guess that's life at this point though. Accept it, and move on.

Becky and Errin came to visit Jan 8-10th and it was a good time. Lauren Z. also came out that Friday and we all went to Essenhaus. We had a few boots, took a cab home(in which we made asses of ourselves) and got home only to have some more crazy times. I bumped Theresa over, and she fell into the kitchen, at which time Becky thought it would be fun to throw the things on the counter at her, including a beer bottle. She chipped the front tooth a little bit, and I don't care what it sounds like to others, it was hilarious. We spent the rest of the weekend attempting a Wicked and Cheap Vodka Party with Errin(guess we spent ourselves the night before though) and watched a ton of Glee. Love Glee. It is so sad that we won't see Errin for so long now since she is leaving for the Peace Corps, but I am glad we got the time we did. We'll miss you Errin!

We went to Menomonie/EC the next weekend so Theresa could get a car. It's so nice that we aren't car pooling anymore. She got a sweet car, I am slightly jealous. ha. It has heated seats, and anywhere we go together she drives now. It's like a heating pad on your lower back. Ahhhhh. Also, got to watch Shannon dance while we were home. I see her dance about once a year, and never fails, I tear up. She is so grown up! AND I don't know when she learned how to entertain the crowd so much, what a smiler! :) It was quite cute.

The next weekend Lindsay B. came down and Fat Z met up with us too. We went to Cancun and got margaritas. They had a live band and they kept coming by our table singing in spanish. It was awkward but awesome. They asked if we spoke spanish, we said no, and so they sang standards like DeColores and Ba Ba Bamba(?). The next day I met Becky in LaCrosse and we visited my friend Kathy from high school. She has also had a really rough year this year. She graduated with an associates nursing degree but has had a really hard time passing her boards. She lost her job because of it. She had an internship through school, and they offered her a job after she graduated but she had to pass her boards within 6months to stay on, which she did not. She had a large bunion removed on her foot, and lost insurance at the worst time. She has money issues now and is feeling depressed, along with seeing a total douche bag we went to school with. He totally used her, and I hate him for that. What a dick. Anyway, we had dinner with Lindsay, another friend from HS and her bf, then went back to Kathy's and just chilled out.

This past weekend, Mom, Dad, and Laura came down. Dad bought a van in Sauk Prairie(30 min from here) and realized his AC wasn't working right so he took it down here again since it's under warranty and they decided to hit two birds with one stone and come visit us. They came to Falk in the afternoon, and they got to see a courage assembly. They thought my school was nice, and we're surprised how many young teachers there were since I made it seem like there were none. Gah, I know there are but they are all from here, married, or bitchy. It's hard to ask them to get schwasted some night. After that we headed to Leopold where Theresa teaches, saw her classroom, then went to the apartment. Dad saw it when we moved in, mom thought it was nice. We went for a drive/tour around Madison, and ended at mom's favorite place, Cracker Barrel. It was really good, then we went back and relaxed while watching Mamma Mia. We woke up fairly early, made a huge breakfast, and went to a big antique store, and two goodwills so mom and dad could look for things for the cabin. That cabin is going to be the sweetest cabin on earth when it's all said and done I think. They left in the afternoon and Theresa and I lounged. Sunday was Celebrating Youth at the Monona Terrace. Basically kid groups perform and have displays. We went to help out with the Boys and Girls Club drumline. It was refreshing to see so many young talents and also opportunities Madison has to offer kids. We left kind of early though because Theresa got a bad headache. She had a headache and cold for a couple of days. I am glad(knock on wood) that I never got it from her.

This week has been going good at school. It is African American History Month so I've been trying to get all into that. It was also fun to do the Groundhog song, and now to do a little Valentines stuff too. I was observed last week Tuesday by my principal and we met this afternoon to go over it. She said ALL nice things, was really impressed, and said, "I am not kidding, from the beginning to end, Liz, I wouldn't ask you to change a thing". It's nice to hear that. She doesn't go out of her way to compliment, she's not like that so I'll take it when I can. She also said she assumed that it was also a pretty typical example of what my every day is like, and I honestly could not argue. I am doing a really good job. Whew.

This weekend Yakob is supposed to visit(crossing my fingers he doesn't bail). Hopefully we have some ridiculous times ahead.

Next week Friday is a big Read Your Heart Out Day in celebration of National African American Parent Involvement Day(get all that?). It's a day where parents and community members come in and read to the classes, and promote reading and parent involvement. There is a big luncheon that I was asked to provide entertainment for. Basically, a few of my classes have to work on songs to sing while they eat. It's not a huuuuge deal, but I want to make sure it goes well. It's like a mini-concert. I hope it goes well. That night is also the Valentines Dance. I am SO going! Saturday morning we are leaving for EC.

We(me and Theresa) are presenting on Feb. 15th at UWEC on Culturally Relevant Practice(with an emphasis on African American students). We are talking to Dr. Murphy's class and then later on with CMENC. I am SO excited for this and have been working hard on the presentation. I had emailed a tentative outline to Dr. Murphy a few weeks ago, she was so impressed that she wants us to submit to be presenters at the WMEA 2011 convention. Wouldn't that be cool? I always wanted to be a workshop presenter, but who knew it would happen that fast? or more so with this topic?! Crazy. I just am surprised how fast I have become passionate on this subject. How interesting...

I think I mentioned in my last post how Donte is back at school(student who was shot in the face). It's great to see him getting stronger and enjoying being in school. Unfortunately, he is testing some of the staff and his behavior is not always great. FORTUNATELY, he has been good in music and gives me about 5 hugs a day when he sees me anywhere. I saw a glimpse of it once this week though, when he was pissed he couldn't do a partner game with turning and jumping. I tried to give him a drum and play it off like he got the better deal, but I think he's just frustrated with not fitting back into the normal picture at this point. He's still got a long road ahead of him. I am hoping his recovery stays on track or speeds up. His sister is doing really well, and actually has come out of her shell a ton since coming back, more and more each day. I think in her situation, she got a lot of attention from it, and liked that, and also feels good that people care for her. Of course, I love them both, and don't care if they swear in my face or flip me the bird, because I know that they need love and have had a much harder life than I could ever imagine.

Alright, well I guess that was more than a sufficient post. Hope everyone is doing well. Please write more friends. I really miss you all! I'll leave you with a few kid quotes...

"I am going to ask my mom to go to the junk yard right after school" 1st grader after our after school club, Musical Junk where we make instruments out of recyclables.

"Ha, Ms. Soules, you talkin' Hip Hop!" after I told a kid to "git out ma face".

"HEY, I just saw you when I was sleeping!" I think I was in this kid's dream?

"You're not married?!" "Nope" "Then who do you live with?" "You know that, I live with the other Ms. Soules" "You live with another MISS Soules??" at about this time I realized the kid thought I was married to a woman and had to explain it was my sister.

"I like your pants" "I like your shirt" "I like your hair" "I love you" and "I missed you"(since yesterday?) Gotta love kids.

"Don't anybody bump my loose tooth!"

"Do you believe in God and Heaven?" uh ....shit "I am not really going to comment on that in school, you don't need to know what I believe in right now in music" Argument starts between kids on whether or not I go to church until sweet little Nytel says "guys! I KNOW she does". OK, guess you had to be there, but he was like trying to defend me and it was like if I said I didn't his heart would have broken right then and there. His faith in me was ridiculous. Awkward!

"Can we play Bate Bate?"(every day for months) Today - "OH MY GOD MS. SOULES! I like this game more than Bate Bate, I love you"