Merry Christmas

OK, I know it has been almost a month. I am procrastinating so hard core. Ugh, I am just THAT bored that I am long over-due blogging on Christmas.

Well, first I guess I should make a list of things worthwhile to comment on. Then I will go back and take a stab at the post.
- My students who were shot
- Doc's party/Hastings
- Pat and Erin's Wedding
- My concert
- Kristin Wood's unfortunate passing
- Becky's engagement and graduation
- Owatonna visit
- Christmas Eve/Christmas

AND I am sure much more....

So my students who were shot....they are doing much "better" I guess you could say. Destiny got to spend the last two days before break back in school. What a miracle. She was the one shot in the back of the skull. Originally we were all worried about her recovery in regards to her voice, jaw and tongue. All are healing very fast, and she seems to talk just fine. I was so happy to finally see her back at school. She was for sure very popular that day and was enjoying it too. Donte will be in the hospital for awhile yet I take it. He was paralyzed from the waist UP and that was so odd. He started to be able to wiggle his fingers and can feel the nurses rub his arms over the last couple of weeks. Thank GOD! So while his recovery is going to be a slow one, it is also still a miracle that he survived being shot in the face, and having it go in so far as to hit or traumatize his spinal chord. I burned them a few CDs, hope they liked them. Their mom is doing fine as well. They all will have major emotional trauma to deal with, but I guess I won't find much out about that process for the time being. I can only be happy for their physical recovery at this point. I wonder how the holidays have been for them and the whole family(minus scumbag Dad who is now in jail).

Doc's Party was alright, of course slightly awkward being that I am so far removed from his studio. I mean, really I just wanted to see Doc after all that happened that week at school and stuff. It was good to see him, but I wish we had more time to talk. It was also weird to think about last year's party when me and Josh got engaged and announced it at his party. Ah well. The cider was good and hot, and Mrs. Doc's prizes were entertaining as usual. The Hastings party was ridiculous on my behalf - or the Soules sisters in general. We got really drunk and flew around the party like we were bowling balls of destruction. It was good to see the few people I knew, and apparently talk to a bunch of people I should have known/recognized but didn't? Anyways, maybe too much to drink and some bruises found in the morning pretty much sums it up.

Pat and Erin's wedding was nice. I know that a winter wedding isn't what I would choose for myself, but it was great for them. Everything was very pretty and nicely decorated. The service was short and sweet. I am unbelievably happy for Pat and Erin. They have waited for a long time for that day and it went very well. Yahooo. They looked great and we had fun, minus a few fire alarms going off(some kid I guess did the first one - then I think they were just messed up). I was slightly disappointed that we were usherettes and yet it felt like we were not part of the wedding party at all. NOW, let me set this straight, I don't care if I am in the wedding party or not, but don't make a big deal of being an usherette and then pay no attention and have us sit on our asses the whole rehearsal and pictures, etc. Seriously, taking off school Friday was so pointless. Whatever though, not really anyone's fault, just irritating. The rehearsal dinner was also nice by the way. I was sort of mad at Mom for some stupid crap that made it a awkward and stressful weekend in a way unfortunately. Can't really explain or comment more on that...not enough time.

So on the way home from the wedding weekend we got a call from Becky informing us that Kristin was in a coma. It was quite a shock, and I think Theresa and I had NO IDEA how to comprehend what had already happened and what could happen next. We cried some, but not to the extent we felt was necessary. It just was all so confusing. Well Monday we got another call from Lindsay telling us that Kristin didn't make it. Still...confusing and in shock. We cried some more but I would say that it did not hit us until we were almost to Kristin's visitation on Friday night. It's like a sick feeling came over us, it's really happening. We stood in line for a long time and about 15-20 minutes before we got to her family and the casket we realized that it was open. Now, I have never ever been to an open casket funeral. This caused some panic in me. It was very hard to see her like that. I mean, they did a "good job"(what does that even mean?) but she just didn't look the same either. It was difficult, that's all I can really say. In a weird way, after I looked I couldn't stop and it made it more real to all of us. We could finally start to grieve. So strange, someone that young should not just suddenly die. Her funeral was also hard the next morning, lots of crying. I guess it was good to see the people that were there Friday and Saturday even though the reason wasn't a good one, and it makes you want to tell everyone you love that you love them. I am going to continue to be thinking of Kristin and her family, especially this holiday season, as well as Lindsay and her high school friend Erin. I just don't know what else to say about the whole thing.

So the day after Kristin's death I had my concert. Now this was a big to-do more because I had to hold all of the 4/5 grade students after school until the concert for a big party thing so ensure attendance. They got to sign up for different rooms and we had a snack/recess after school and pizza for dinner, etc. It was a lot of organizing, but I have to say it went really well with hardly any problems. It was great to be so busy at a sad time like that in a way too. I learned some things that will help future events such as this go even better, and the actual concert part went alright too. I have really high expectations and was working on this for so long that it is hard to sit back and enjoy and recognize the product even after it's done. I still find myself annoyed that they rushed here, or were TALKING a lot, or that a bunch of kids were pouting and not singing. I just have to remind myself that they did a good job, I did a great job, and this whole job and school is not easy. What I did for/with them, is not something that they have had in the past. I am really looking forward to the Spring concert now, with the whole school. I already have a bunch of ideas written down(I know - Type A). It was also interesting to show my family and some other people the video and see what they had to say. Seems like everyone is "impressed", for lack of a better word, in the diversity at my school. I think I give off the vibe that it is all African American kids, but really I have 61% African American. I have a lot of Asian, Hispanic, Middle Eastern, and Caucasian kids as well. When you look at my concert, there is a WIDE variety of skin color and appearances. I think to me, the African American presence is just so strong when I think of my school because their general tendencies are to be loud, outgoing, and are so different that the way I grew up. I have also been learning so much through my school's grant for African American education that I guess it seems so prevalent. Anyways...

SO late congrats online to Becky and Rick on their engagement. We all knew it was coming(Becky included) but that doesn't mean that it wasn't still a very happy moment. I am sooooo happy for the both of them. They are great for each other, make each other happy, bring out the best in each other, and love each other so much. Rick was sweet about how he did it, and if I could bottle up the happiness we heard in Becky's voice and drink it for breakfast every morning I would be a much happier person. I can't wait to see how the wedding plans start going, and look so so so forward to their wedding. I am also proud of Becky's graduating from UWEC, seems strange that none of us are there anymore. It was not like school was easy for Becky, and she put up with a lot of pressure from people, and pulled through to get what she deserved, a college degree. I often felt bad that Theresa and I fit in so well with our major and had a clear idea from day one of what we wanted out of college. She didn't and I think it shows a lot of strength to keep going like she did. Good job Becky, hope you get a job that fits you well too!

Wednesday I drove to Owatonna to visit my old colleagues and kids. It was interesting. I could not believe that the kids I saw at Lincoln and Washington recognized me right away. They gave me lots of hugs and it was really nice. I mean, I am not going to lie....some of them were like "oh yeah...forgot about you" type of look but that's fine. Hell, I couldn't remember hardly any names of them, and I'd see them and be shocked I forgot about them. They look so much older too already, in 6 months how weird. It was good to see Kathy and Sue, as well as Nancy(art teacher) and some other people. We went to Plaza Moreno and talked for awhile, basically about me and my job/life. I felt like it was a big sob story for me, but really I am just having a really hard time and they know it. It was nice to feel supported, and like the way I am feeling lately doesn't make me crazy. I was so lucky I fit in so well last year, and clicked with my colleagues, regardless of age. I guess, that's what I have been missing a lot this year at Falk. It was a hard drive in, very emotional for some reason. Hard to drive near the cities, hard to drive by Lakeville, hard to drive into and around Owatonna. It made me miss my life last year a ton, and the routine and comfort in it. In another way, it was better on the way back because I guess I was feeling slightly hopeful that I am going to get help and someday be happy again.

OK, so while this is turning into how unhappy I am I guess I should write briefly on that. I am depressed, so totally depressed lately. For the last few months I guess, and getting pretty bad. I mean, I feel just hopeless, worthless, bitchy, tired, sad, and dark. I am fine sometimes, but other times I just crash hard. I have been doing some major reflecting on myself and it's like I have mini breakthroughs and think I know what I need to do to feel better, but then it doesn't help or something else comes up. I am going to see a counselor and try to get on meds if I have to so I don't get worse. I can't live like this, and I can't bring anyone else down with me anymore either. The thing is, I know I am depressed, and extra sensitive, but I also don't like people telling me the reasoning behind my feelings are not legitimate. I might be over-sensitive, but that doesn't mean I am not really hurt by some things. I still feel the feelings, you know? I don't want people to walk around on egg shells around me, but I would like a fucking hug and I love you from time to time from my parents. I mean, yes I get it, we had a wedding and holidays and people are busy. I am not asking for much, I don't need daily hourly conversations, but it would help me I am sure to be affirmed daily that I am loved and cared for. I am not just another person in the world who is just out there breathing. It hurts that I am hurting so much, and everyone can sit around and talk to each other about it, but no one wants to talk to me about it. It's just too awkward or is too much of a downer I guess. I am mainly talking about my family here, minus Theresa who has listening way too much I bet. She says my family is concerned, but yet no one has even asked me about it. Cmon, since when does a depressed person have to walk up to their mom and be like, "I just want you to tell me that you love me and let me cry to you". God. Annoying. But then again, that's depressed Liz, annoyed by everything and everyone. I really wonder how long I have been depressed and all too. I have been pushing people away, and yet searching for love for way too long. I spent my whole relationship with Josh trying to get him to love me, and even now we are broken up and I STILL get frustrated that he doesn't care more about me. Why?! What is my friggin problem? I don't want to go out with him, understand we are not meant for each other, but still want him to think I am a great person sincerely. I have to get to the bottom of my issues, and that is why I am going to go see someone. I am getting worse by the day and panicking about the stupidest shit. Break is hard because my routine is out the window and I am surrounded by sentimental holiday crap. Plus I am BORED. I am not going to go kill myself so do not fret, but I just have a lot on my mind. I feel like I am on the verge of a mental breakdown or an epiphany so I just need to make sure I end up with the right one.

So, yeah, that being said...Christmas Eve/today have been fine. Nothing too special. I have been trying to keep busy, doing dishes and stuff so that I don't ruin Christmas by thinking too much. I got a duffle bag and money and some other stocking stuffer type stuff for Christmas. Plus, Grandma got me some Sex in the City DVDs that Theresa said she'd like, so apparently that means all three of us wanted that but whatever.

Oh and we picked up Josh in Chicago because it was cheaper(well, long story) and visited Joe. It was way too short of a visit with him. We met up with Jess and Jesse and Brian Plank and Kyle Petersen and a few others downtown. It was fun, also too short and not nearly as drunk as it should have been. As me, Josh, and Theresa were about to head out of Madison, I was pulling into a Speedway to get gas and literally slid into another car that was waiting to pull out. There was nothing I could do, tried pumping the breaks and everything. I didn't get a ticket because the cop was being nice and listed it as happening on private property. I was NOT going too fast, it was just a weather thing, but dammit. Just another reason why 2009 blows. I cannot wait to see shitfaced on New Year's Eve and just try to have a better 2010. I know it won't be like all of my problems disappear between Dec. 31st and Jan 1st but it might just help my mindset. Gah.

Sorry to be a downer post, if you made it to the end congrats. I hope everyone else had a realllllly great Christmas and I hope to see lots of people on New Year's. Feel free to leave me some encouragement and love. I know "this too shall pass" but that doesn't make it easier, and things don't just get better on their own so I am just working hard to be happy again. Whew.

Maybe I should jot down some 2010 goals...
- be healthy again - work out more and eat better, get back on track
- Leave school at school
- Be a good friend
- Save money and pay off car/credit card
- Find a hobby or personal interest
- Read more books
- Call home more and be a better daughter/sister

Probably have a ton more, but let's stick to that right now to be realistic and positive.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

more info?

I guess here is a more updated version of what happened. More detailed, yet not enough answers. I want to know exactly how they are doing and what this healing process looks like for them. Shot in the back of the head and the other the face?! Get out. I still can't believe it.

http://host.madison.com/wsj/news/local/crime_and_courts/article_c3c9439d-f1c8-5ea9-a5ca-ef765579ff55.html

http://www.wkowtv.com/global/story.asp?s=11591147

Sad doesn't even begin to say it.

Here I sit at 1am on a Sunday night sitting wide awake. I just cannot sleep, cannot stop thinking about my kids from school.

I got an email this evening informing me, along with the rest of our school, that two of my students and their parents were in a domestic dispute and were all shot on Saturday. Apparently, they are all in stable condition. I just want to know what that even means. I want to know more! I want answers! In reading the news, I see that they think one of the victims was the shooter, meaning these kids, or more likely one of their parents. What the hell?! I am angry, and just more sad than I can say that these kids have to deal with this crap. I mean, ALL of the kids in my school too, not just these two. It is no wonder that these kids come to school with a negative attitude, and fight with one another. It's what they know, and what they see every single day. I can't believe that two of MY students where I teach were shot...WITH A GUN! I think I have been sad since reading the email, talked to Dad and Theresa, cried, and now I am just pissed and in an angry stage. These kids are innocent, and they do not deserve this. One of them is in 3rd grade and the other in 1st grade. Can you just imagine??? It breaks my heart to think of what they must have heard and saw, their whole lives and then now during all of this. I can't wait to find out more information, to try to make SOME sense out of it maybe. I just really want to know how they are all doing. I just can't imagine how it would feel to lose a student, and to something so horrible as this. Thank God they are surviving. I have no idea what tomorrow will be like. I know that we have specific instructions on how to deal with something like this. I just don't want to break down and cry in front of the kids, but at the same time I know that I have the strength and it would be my nature to do what I need to do to help the kids feel better. It's strange because in all of the classes they will be having a discussion in the morning, and I just feel like as the music teacher, what can I do? If they are already discussing it, do I even bother in music? The thing is, I want them all to know that I am there for them. I want them to share with me their stories and feelings. I just want to help. Right now, I feel helpless. I hate that feeling. I just can't describe the feeling of getting an email that starts out saying that they was a domestic dispute and two of our students were shot. It's like my eyes welled up with tears before I could even read on to see if they were okay! It's like the ultimate panic. I just don't want to feel it again, but I know it could happen again and be worse. Just wish I knew what to do for them. I just hate that there has to be this kind of thing happening to families and children out there. This happened very close to my school and to our apartment. I mean, it's our general neighborhood, the Westside ghetto. I know that I feel safe in the building we live in, but it also makes you wonder. I don't even want to be blocks away from this kind of thing. I would never want my kids to grow up in this kind of neighborhood. How is Falk ever going to turn their school's attitude around, and get kids making great choices and making their lives better? How can we do the seemingly impossible? Even if I can give one kid hope here, I can feel better. But I wish we could do it all. As if I didn't have mixed feelings about Madison and Falk school, now it's even worse. I just want to be there for kids that need someone supportive, who believes in them, but I don't want to be in this negative environment all of the time either. It just brings me down, and then I am not the best I can be for them anyways. I just don't know what to think of it all. Just keep this family in your prayers. I hope the kids heal physically and emotionally. We all just have to take this one day at a time.

Short week!

Ooooooo...so full. I made burgers tonight on the stove. Never tried that before, and I did alright! We also enjoyed baked beans, chips, and Koolaid. It was a regular Soules family summer meal.

I am so happy that this week is a short week. I feel so much less stressed about it for some reason, even though my 4/5 classes before the concert are limited(yikes). Tomorrow is a easy day, and I have lots of prep so I don't have to feel like I need it all done tonight. It is just so awesome to be sitting here doing lesson plans, etc. with Theresa. She is really taking this on full force, and I am proud of her for that. I want to help her so much, but I hope she also knows that she can do, literally, whatever she wants. There is so much freedom in elementary music, let alone her situation. This whole experience is great for me, to talk through things, and share what I know, but also to have her be emerced in what I do every day, and we'll have a better understanding of that for the rest of our lives now. In many ways her school seems slightly better than mine. I mean, she has ONE combined grade level class and I have twelve of twenty. Everyone seems much more welcoming and friendly too. She has another music teacher to talk to there, which can be good and bad, and lucky for her it seems good so far. They get along, and this teacher matches our philosophy more than anyone else we've met here. Theresa needs to decorate her room and make it her own now, so we are trying to figure out how we can get stuff on walls when she doesn't have any posters. She's working on making one right now. :)

Friday night we hung out with Mark Lundin. His place is pretty sweet, lots of plants! It felt like we were in the jungle, or like we were in Where the Wild Things Are. (yes, your assumption at this point is correct). Then we went to a bar that he said was like The Joynt, and it really was, but it was so busy that we couldn't find a place to sit or stand. It was fun to see Mark, he is a really fun guy and we've always gotten along easily. Yesterday Theresa and I slept in sooooo late after that. I have not slept that late in years, no kidding. So, we felt like we couldn't go to bed at a regular time and went to the bowling alley bar. We just sat and split a pitcher while chatting and listening to people butcher songs on kareoke. It's nice to get out, even if it's just the two of us. I really want to go back there, and this other bar we were going to go to but they had a $6 cover when people come to visit. Errin wants to have a Wicked party with cheap vodka in January. Ha, we'll see if it happens. Well, we ARE getting together in January, but we'll see what it actually turns out to be like.

Today I went to one of my student's piano recital. It was so cute! She was by far the best one there in her age group. I was so impressed! AND she arranged the pieces she played "herself". I mean, I know that could mean anything, but it is still cool. Her little brother is a kindergartener, and he freeeeaked out when he saw me. Actually he is the boy I mentioned in a earlier post that said I don't have a mother and loves getting falcon feathers. Their parents were ecstatic that I came and kept thanking me. I guess the girl told them I might be coming, and they made brownie cupcakes for the reception afterwards and made one for me with a music note thing sticking out in case I actually showed up. I bet that they didn't believe her when she said I was coming. BUT I DID! It made me feel really good to support her and see what she is doing outside of my class. It is hard to give the well behaved and gifted students the attention that they deserve when you have to deal with all of the other crap all of the time. I just wanted her to know I care, and think it's cool that she is liking piano lessons.

I think I am going to put my laundry away, and the dishes, and then do some school stuff until bed. I CAN'T WAIT to go home Wednesday night for Thanksgiving. I am just going to veg out, watch TV, and sit on the couch all day talking to Mom. Can't wait to see Laura and Morgan and everyone! I just might do some black friday shopping as well. Toodleloooooo!

It's a bird, it's a plane....

I wish you could see better, but here we are....Falk's SUPER SPECIALS!!!!

Art teacher(Sheila) Librarian(Kim) Me and PE(Jim)

BUCKY!

This afternoon Bucky Badger came to Falk, THE REAL ONE. Ha, like he's real. The kids were going crazy for him. Because of the poverty level at my school many kids never get the chance to see a UW game or Bucky in general so they love it that he comes to them. They had about 12 band members there too, and they put on a fun little show. This all happened at our Courage Assembly so yes, I was dressed up as the music super hero yet again. I love doing that. Anyway, we were waiting to run in for our thingy and the UW band was just getting there and they ALL almost walked into the wall because they were looking at our outfits and wondering why I had a euphonium(and a pretty one if I must say so). It was pretty funny. I play the charge thing when we announce which class won the specials award and for the second time now, I nailed it! lol, yes I am lame. I had fun dancing with the kids while the band played, doing the chicken dance! So cute.

Tonight we are going to keep it low key I think. I just ate dinner and just feel like napping for 4 hours. Tomorrow we have to be up fairly early to go work the badger came with the McCormicks. Hopefully it goes by fast.

Wednesday we went to Trivia again and it was pretty fun. More people from work came out, and even drank this time. It was good to talk to some more staff and have them ask what I think, and to be honest with them about everything and feel understood. The people there maybe didn't feel the same way as me, or see things a certain way until I said it, but were nice and supportive. I def think I feel better lately because more people are finally talking to me, why did it take a quarter of the school year?! Theresa and I got a little tipsy again, her more than me because I talked so much and then we got Little Caesars on the way home. It. Was. Amazing.

Last night Theresa and I decided(Idid) to get dinner at Loredo's. Yep, we're healthy eaters. Nah, really I just have been wanting to go for weeeeeeeeeks now. It's like Madison's El Patio. We just felt like getting out, talking and having a margarita. Then we came home and decided to not waste the margarita an ddrink some more, which just made us really tired and made it hard to get up this morning. I just think it's funny that we drank just the two of us, on a school night, after conferences.

Speaking of conferences, mine were barely existent and I had 3 parents come see me. One mom and dad came to see me because their 1st graders is really shy and wanted to see how he was doing/tell me he is playing piano and doing well. Another mom talked to me because her son talks a lot and I think his regular teacher told her I have to give him a warning on his chart almost every day. Luckily, I was able to honestly say he has been doing much better, especially since getting new seating charts. She was way friendly too. The other mom who came in was the one who talked to me weeks ago about musicals and concerts. They have three girls and their dad is a music producer so they are all into it. She said her girls want to sing Party in the USA at the winter concert. Ha, doesn't bother me, if they are serious about putting something together! We also talked briefly about Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, and Celine Dion. Heh. Overall, the day was what I expected. It was more like a work day. I wish mor eparents would come talk to me, like of the problem kids. Honestly though, those are parents that won't do anything, and clearly don't know what they are doing as parents in the first place.

Next week I am being observed by my lesbian principal(really, found that out at Trivia last week). I am not nervous at all, but I do want her to be impressed. It would just be awesome to kick ass in the class she is watching and have her be like "OH, I should try to keep her here, maybe pay some attention to her." A couple of SEA's have said really nice things to me lately about how great I am, and how different I am but that the kids love it and are learning so much more. Um, yeah going through the textbook will only get you so far. For example, one SEA was a little drunk and was like, "I mean I don't know all of the so, mi, and dos, but they are having fun!"(while doing the hand signs) I am like DUH you are learning and know it because you just showed it to me, and you don't even know it. HAHA!

So excited for my concert in December. I love this one song I decided to do yesterday. It's a late start but it is the most beautiful song for kids, and if we can pull it off you can be sure that I will cry. Something about little kid voices singing so sweetly on pitch and some pretty melody makes me emotional. Can't wait to see what happens. It has two parts so hopefully we can pull off the harmony. Time will tell...

Gonna go see if Theresa wants to go get a movie now. Have a great weekend everyone!

WOW!

Um, yeah...totally us when we're old ladies.